Every friend group has one. Slinking about in the shadows, collecting secrets, and spreading lies throughout the imperial court. But how can you tell if you yourself are starting to become the beloved Scheming Eunuch friend? Here are five neuterific signs that you might have a future nutlessly betraying the monarchs of your friend group:
- You’re always whispering.
No one likes a loudmouth, but if you find yourself constantly whispering secrets in the ears of your more powerful friends, it might be a good sign that you are the Scheming Eunuch.
- You haven’t gotten laid in a while.
We understand this is a bit of a touchy subject, but perpetual celibacy is, of course, a key trait of the Scheming Eunuch. You may not literally have gotten your bits snipped, but, judging by your absolute dearth of Tinder matches, you may as well have :/
- You keep having urges to go bald…like, completely bald.
Edgy buzzcuts are super in right now! Scheming Eunuchs, however, may tend to rock a completely smooth look (eyebrows too). If that style appeals to you, that might be another clue.
- You suspect that the Emperor friend no longer possesses the Mandate of Heaven.
Drama among friend groups is something of a given in college. That said, if you are constantly consulting in secret with the Wise Oracle friend to portend the coming of a new dynasty, your schemes may go a bit beyond what’s considered normal.
- You’re actively poisoning the Grand Vizier friend.
This one is pretty much a dead giveaway. We get it, offing the Grand Vizier would disrupt court politics and clear the way for the ascension of the rightful heir to the Golden Throne, but dosing your buddy’s DCT chicken with arsenic is really only something a Scheming Eunuch would do.
If any or all of these rang true, then get ready, you have nothing but conniving and ballsy (sorry) power grabs to look forward to! Embrace it, and enjoy your new life as the Scheming Eunuch friend.
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