A new school year. For most, it’s a time for new friendships and fresh connections. However, for one student, it has brought nothing but disappointment.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” bemoaned Hannah (27C), who has attempted to join countless clubs to no avail. “I’ve joined everything I can think of. The ballroom dance club, the sign language club, the Composer’s Society, the Lenaia playwriting festival, the health council, the African Students Association… I even tried joining Young Republicans before I realized Emory doesn’t have one of those. I barely last a day in the GroupMes before I get kicked out. It happens every single time.”
As it happens, Hannah may have an ulterior motive for joining all of these clubs (well, beyond an inability to make friends the normal way): she has no less than 850 Olivia Rodrigo tickets, and is trying desperately to sell them all.
“I bought them for my little brother’s birthday,” she explained. “He’s a huge [SLUR REDACTED], so I figured he’d like Olivia. Don’t worry, I can say it. But when I told him, he said that I was an ‘evil person’ who ‘eats babies’ and ‘probably doesn’t like matcha’ and he couldn’t believe I’d mistake him for a ‘Livvie’? I don’t know what a ‘Livvie’ is!”
Hannah, who was nearly in tears by this point, went on to tell the Spoke that she has been trying to sell her tickets in every GroupMe she’s joined. “I bought some Sabrina Carpenter tickets to sweeten the deal, but that didn’t work. I even tried to give them away for free, but somehow that didn’t work either. I have so many goddamn tickets. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
As of the time of us writing this article, Hannah is $561,425 in debt just from purchasing the tickets. With that amount of money, she could have purchased twenty-two Honda Civics, or three textbooks from the Emory Library. Hannah considered dropping out of college in order to save money, but decided against it upon realizing she would no longer be able to join GroupMes if she dropped out.
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