On Wednesday, September 10th, Emory administration announced that they would be cutting several humanities departments in compliance with federal policy targeting DEI programs. This decision was shared with the Emory community in an impromptu press conference, held by an administrator standing on a table at the DCT using a microphone attached to a karaoke speaker.
“Attention, Emory! Please listen!” Temmery Weil, Director of Student Anti-Flourishing, shouted into the cafeteria. “Diversity is over, so we have decided to close all humanities departments. They were cute, but ultimately unnecessary, and we weren’t sure how they’d make us more money.
“Any students attempting to continue their humanities disciplines will be executed by burning at the stake. Carry on.”
She then hopped off the table, jumped on a Lime scooter, and scooted away.
”I was shocked by this cut,” stated Jaxson Bronte, a Film major. “How am I supposed to watch movies and talk about them without school funding? There goes my honors thesis on ‘The Wolf of Wall Street.’”
Other students had a more positive view of the cuts. Many at Goizueta began cheering upon hearing the announcement, throwing their Longchamp purses and leather briefcases in the air while whooping loudly.
“Now everyone will have to major in Organization and Management, a program entirely dedicated to teaching subjects that are common sense! With the cuts, we’ve also been given even more funds to open up majors we’ve sat on for months, like Pre-Oil Baron and Subjugation Studies,” a Goizueta junior said, rubbing his hands together nefariously. “Consulting is definitely more important than silly things like foreign language or laws.”
Still, some students in cut departments didn’t seem to notice the effects of closings. After an intense, sweat-inducing search, reporters at The Spoke were able to find the only Emory student majoring in Visual Arts.
“Technically, it’s a co-major, not a major,” the arts student corrected our reporter. “Which goes to show that we never got any money in the first place. The other day, a ceiling tile fell through my painting class and concussed three seniors. They only enrolled for an easy A, anyway, so it wasn’t a huge loss.”
The Spoke reached out to the administration for a comment, but most members were fired immediately after our emails. Jane Smith, Director of Some Fucking Department You’ve Never Heard Of, was free for a brief interview:
“We only kept these departments open to show off how tolerant we are,” Director Smith explained. “But now that we have the go-ahead from the big orange guy in the sky, we can nix those majors entirely. It’s time to take the ‘liberal’ out of ‘liberal arts.’ And the ‘arts’ out of ‘liberal arts.’ Just remove it all! I’m getting a new office in Goizueta as the Director of Subjugation Studies!”
Demolition of the few remaining humanities buildings will begin on September 25th, starting with Candler Library.
In a semi-peaceful protest, many have gathered outside the building armed with giant books. After the first nightfall, an alleged Art History major vandalized the side of the administrative building with an incredibly realistic spraypaint rendering of Michelangelo’s David. However, the painting has one notable difference from the real sculpture: a red arrow pointing to its nether regions with the caption, “EMORY ADMIN BE LIKE.”
“οὐ σιωπησόμεθα· τοῦτ᾽ ἐστὶν Ἡράκλειον συμφορά,” a classics major shouted in Ancient Greek over a megaphone.
More on this story as it develops (if DEI crackdowns do not dismantle the Spoke).
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