Now that the freshman are official, ID-toting, DUC-dining, Wash-U-hating Emory students, the Emory College Class of 2017 Facebook page has quieted down considerably. But, before they were freshman, jaded by PACE 100 and the lack of actual farmers at the Farmer’s Market, the group was abuzz with the excessive narcissism and simultaneous desperate need for acceptance characteristic of prefrosh. But when taken at face value, many of these posts do not reveal the extent of the prefrosh condition. That’s why we at the Spoke have taken it upon ourselves to translate these posts into plain English, so that you all may fully understand the horrific extent of their neurosis. Before we begin, we would just like to make clear that these posts are 100% real, bona fide Facebook posts, quoted exactly as they were written. Now, without further ado, here are the top seven most soul-killing posts from the Emory Class of 2017 Facebook group:
7. “So with all the talk about APs, how many are y’all graduating with? Personally, I’m graduating with 12 APs.”
Translation: Unlike most of you bullshitters, I actually worked hard in high school. But now that I’ve been rejected by all the Ivies, I am constantly trying to find confirmation that all those nights I spent memorizing mundane facts and writing DBQ’s were not in vain. Also, did you know that one can concatenate the phrase “you all” into one convenient word? I read that in a textbook once.
6. “Not sure which foreign language to take: Spanish or Italian? Which is more practical for a pediatrician?”
Translation: I am planning on pursuing a medical degree and I would like you all to keep that in mind, but somehow I am unaware of the fact that Italy only officially became a unified country some 300 years after Spain had conquered nearly all of the Americas. Thus I have no idea that Spanish is the second most widely spoken language in the world and am ignorant to the obvious answer to this question.
5. “Eureka! I figured out where the emails for placement testing are going. They are being sent to our Emory email accounts. Emory365! That’s also true for the acceptance of the Emory card photos…I’m done :)”
Translation: I didn’t watch many Baby Einstein developmentals as a child, and, as a result, have very poor problem-solving skills. Once I did solve my problem, by discovering that all of my Emory-related emails were being sent to my Emory email account, I thought it fitting to preface my statement with “eureka,” the catchphrase of one of the foremost scientists, mathematicians, and inventors in all of classical antiquity. My smile is also open, simple, and one dimensional.
4. “I have a Q guys!!! Can we have any kind of pets on campus? I’d guess we probably couldn’t have dogs or cats and things of that nature but can we have like turtles or fish or turtles or hamsters or maybe did I forget to mention turtles (I really want a turtle). I have a single room in case that makes a difference.”
Translation: I have very limited social skills and I am horrified at the thought of sharing my living space with anything else but a hard-shelled reptile who cannot speak and therefore cannot reject me. However, I am going to collectively refer to the people in this group as “guys” to make myself believe that you are all my friends, because that’s how friends talk to each other, right guys?
3. “Which writing utensil do you prefer to write your notes with? Pen or pencil? I’m a pencil guy.”
Translation: I am self-involved enough that I believe people actually care about my personal preference when it comes to writing utensils. I am also looking for another excuse to post in this group so that people will recognize my name when we arrive on campus.
2. “Am I the only one who had to look up who Passion Pit was??”
Translation: I eschew basic human social interaction in favor of commenting on facebook groups, gardening, and longing for just a small bit of human companionship. I have thus neglected to listen to so-called “popular music.” My ignorance is targeted to display a small bit of superiority over the mass of plebeians who just listen to what the media shoves down their throats. They may not accept me in their social sphere, but it is I who will have the last laugh! Look, Emory Facebookers, and tremble at the sight of my second consecutive question mark.
1. “What colleges did you guys turn down for Emory?”
Translation: Either I applied early decision and am trying to assuage my fear that I could have gotten in somewhere better, or, I got into Harvard but chose Emory and I’m going to let you all know that as soon as someone asks me this question in response.
Bonus! (Technically, a comment on a post): “When people ask me where I’m going to school my rehearsed response is, ‘Emory University in Atlanta. It’s the 20th ranked school in the country, and they people [sic] like the poet laureate and Sanjay Gupta on the staff. Plus Jimmy Carter often times gives a speech to the incoming freshman!’ That usually grabs their attention a little faster.”
Translation: I have a deeply rooted need for approval from others, and I enjoy “one-upping” other people even more. Yet, I am enough of a douche that I actually have a memorized response to the question, “where are you going to school,” and I derive my own self-worth and that of others from the US News and World Report ranking of the college they attend.
Very nice writing style. Takes me back to my freshman year (althought I’m not really considered old yet.) and all the facebook posts people put up for Umass Amherst before we all actually met each other. Freshman are….unique….lol.