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OP-ED: My Roommate Can Literally Beat Up Your Roommate

Day vs Night. Batman vs Superman. The British vs Dentistry. My roommate vs your roommate. These are the age-old matchups humanity has longed to resolve, and I’m happy to say I’m finally able to answer one of these burning questions. My roommate can literally beat up your roommate, and here’s how.

You might assume a fight comes down to brute strength, or even strategy, but I say you’re dumb. It comes down to Pure. Terror. When my roommate isn’t chittering and crawling across the walls in the late hours of the night, he’s training. Krav Maga. 23 years. Left his dojo as a black belt, but probably could’ve gone further if not for his IBS and the uniforms stupidly being white (his words). You can literally smell the hard work on him; it reeks up our room! I haven’t gotten a good night’s rest in weeks!

On the other hand, your roommate probably keeps to themselves, and is respectful and easy to get along with, AKA weak. Your roommate doesn’t have what it takes to assert dominance in their living space, let alone win a combat trial to the death.

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