The Office of Campus Life has launched a new program called ‘Live Well, Speak Well,’ a movement to reduce the use of insulting or insensitive remarks and replace them with phrases that increase positivity and acceptance. A spokesperson from the office added that the movement was designed completely out of the school’s respect for minorities and is no way a belated reaction to recent insensitivity scandals. Some of the changes the program hopes to promote include:
- Instead of ‘That’s so gay,’ say ‘That’s so homosexual.’ Because long words make you sound more intelligent.
- Instead of ‘We have sports?’ say, ‘Hey, let’s go to a rugby game!’ And then actually go! Please?
- Instead of ‘That’s hella legit,’ say ‘I appreciate your value as a human being because…’ Wait, what does hella legit mean again?
- Instead of ‘That’s retarded,’ say ‘That’s en retard.’ Make your French teacher wonder why a nyan cat youtube video is running late.
- Instead of ‘She’s so crazy,’ say, ‘She’s so Raven,’ because we really need a throwback to the days when Disney Channel actually had good shows, you know?
- Instead of ‘That’s the bomb diggity,’ say, ‘With no disrespect intended towards bombs, that’s the diggity.’
- Instead of “Fuck tha police”, say, “Fuck the police.” With proper pronunciation, you’ll find people will take your stance on authority more seriously.
- Instead of ‘Literally,’ say ‘Figuratively.’ Because you’re in college and you should know the difference by now, you moron.
The first round of feedback gathered by the office of campus welfare suggests the program has caused a 5.6% decrease in insensitive remarks, making it 5.6% more successful than Emory Bubble. That’s the kind of marginal percentage change that we all can believe in.
-Mack City Skitch
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