Much to the annoyance of the thirty scientists who spent the past forty years attempting to reanimate him, John Emory will only talk about Domino’s pizza delivery and won’t shut up about how they stole his idea. When Emory revealed…
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Willy, a rising sophomore at Emory, announced a completely new identity today for the upcoming semester. His new identity, “William”, will begin on the first day of school, which means everyone has to call him William now. Along with the…
ATLANTA – In light of recent events surrounding police violence around America, Emory’s police chief reassured the community that his office is “just a bunch of regular joes, who just happen to possess the power to take life with impunity”.…
In a press conference this past week, Emory University officials announced that all toilet paper currently being used on campus will be upgraded to a 60-grit sandpaper. After a survey showing student rectal satisfaction at a record low, followed by…