Browse By

SPC Cancels Next Dooley’s Week Due To Anticipated Astrological Conditions

Credit: Emory's Nostradamus Studies Department

Credit: Emory’s Nostradamus Studies Department

With recent reports of expected poor astrological conditions, SPC has cancelled next Spring’s Dooley’s Week.

“The realignment of Saturn’s moons pose a real threat to the Emory community,” the newly minted President of SPC, Michael Chapman, said along with the cancellation statement. “Right now, there is a 90% chance that there is a 75% chance, according to Nostradamus, that they may disrupt Earth’s cosmic alignment with Apollo. That is not a risk we are willing to take.”

Chapman then received a text from his oracle, telling him the bones are ready to be heated. “Really all we know so far is that if the bones crack in a semi-hexagonal formation, this will guarantee an unsuccessful Dooley’s Week.” stated Chapman. “Right now we are still pretty sure it’ll go sour. But, hey, it’s always hard to get total certain scientific predictions.”

In December 2012, SPC formed the Prophetic Protection Committee to foresee dangers of astrological causes. “According to the Mayan calendar, next Spring also sets the date for Earth to be 45 degrees from alignment with Venus, 134 degrees from alignment with Mars, and 78 degrees from alignment with Mercury, clearly spelling trouble for the universe,” said SPC’s Assistance Vice-Seer. “Although Renaissance thinkers believed this alignment to mean perfect weather for rap concerts, anyone who has read Karl Taube knows this alignment puts all students and any performers in danger of Kinich Ahau, the Mayan Sun God, and all his fury.”

“This is devastating for the entire Emory community,” said Freshman SPC Member Sarah Floyd. “But don’t worry, we will still be giving away shirts!”

“Providing the concert day falls on a blue moon, of course,” she added.

To avoid conflict in the future, SPC has announced a new event application process. The application simply asks for name, phone number, and the exact location of Jupiter’s third largest moon at your time of birth.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *