New Report Shows 97% of Emory Pre-Med Students Identify as ‘self-partnered’

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s official. Cuffing season is in full swing. Everywhere you look are new couples and even that sweet friend who didn’t know what a bong was until freshman year is on Tinder. It seems like everyone is caught up in seasonal love. But not you. No, you are pre-med. You don’t have time for that.

Let’s face it, whether you’re in baby bio or inorganic chem, you’ve got a lot on your plate. You have to count worms and create new molecules and discover a cure for cancer. Not to mention your two midterms and three quizzes next week. You’re, like, really stressed (by the way, I don’t think your friends really get how stressed you are. You should tell them again- just to make sure). So obviously, you don’t have the time to be bumping uglies and falling in love left and right. 

But don’t worry! Emma Watson (your spirit celebrity- you’re such a Hermione) has said in a recent interview that she identifies as being self-partnered. What a genius! Hundreds of other Emory pre-med students are following suit, some even going as far as having marriage ceremonies with themselves, like that weird cheerleading coach on Glee. 

So next time you’re down about your single life, remember: you’re not lonely–you’re self-partnered! In fact, when your family asks about your dating life at Thanksgiving dinner this year, just tell them that you’re dating yourself. They’ll be so proud!