Freshmen Develop Easy, Rapid Test for Detecting Douchebags
After being nationally identified as a hotspot for the disease, Emory students have responded to calls for action by creating a test that successfully detects douchebags, dicks, and other strains of asshattery. Emory freshmen Blake Goldberg and Alex Kimbell have turned an assignment from Health 100 into a revolutionary innovation, developing an easy, early-detection test for identifying said tools.
“When we first entered our Health 100 classroom, we had no idea what our project was going to be about,” Goldberg said in an interview. “At least not until shit got personal after our close friend, Matthew Levy, hit the row during his first weekend here at Emory. We watched the affliction rapidly take over his body until he was no longer able to control his ego.”
In an exclusive Spoke interview Professor Rebecca Keyan, the Richard A. Whole Chair of Biomedical Engineering, exclaimed that, “this is unbelievable. The science community has been waiting for this moment for decades and I cannot begin to estimate the dramatic effect it will have on the efficiency of fraternity rush.” Keyan explained the true complexity in the necessary calculations for determining the intensity of ones douchebaggery. “Previous methods have largely been unsuccessful, relying upon the critically acclaimed Buzzfeed quiz. While this accurately depicts emotional effects of the symptoms of being an asswipe, it fails to take into account physical, social, and mental transformations, making it nearly impossible to discover how much of a chode one really is.”
Luckily, Goldberg and Kimbell’s test takes into account new variables that other attempts never even took into consideration. These include the top-tier fraternal organization you formally represent, average slam per day potential, and amount of lacrosse played in high school.
Goldberg and Kimbell’s test has come at a crucial time, as the school year starts to settle down and shitheads begin to attempt to blend in. “As on-campus-douches begin to recognize that everyone hates them, Darwin’s laws require them to adapt to their surroundings, adopting the deceiving appearance of a normal human being,” said BIO 101 professor Tyler O’Toole. “Left unchecked, this deception can lead to a rapid increase in the rate of fuckfaces, as the invasive species spread their seeds.”
At press time, Goldberg and Kimbell have been quarantined, after their invention led to flocks of freshman women vigorously descending upon their pants at Margarets Bar and Grill.