Breaking: First Chem 141 Exam Ravages Freshman Class Future Employment Prospects, Dignity
With the decisiveness of a Russian execution, the first Chemistry 141 examination delivered a crushing blow to the morale, pre-med overpopulation, and future annual income projections for the class of 2018.
Figures obtained by Spoke reporters indicate that freshman socialization has decreased by 68%, a figure projected to increase as defeated students decide to stay in their dorm rooms and binge eat tear soaked cereal in the fetal position. “I’ve known I was going to be a doctor since I was six,” freshman and Turman hall resident Max Tills told the Spoke, mechanically spooning his fifth bowl of cocoa puffs, “Who will be mom’s favorite now?”
“Mulford, you bastard,” Tills whispered.
“What the fuck?” Finance major and Kappa Sigma president Jason Whitaker asked incredulously. Upon learning that their typical hordes of freshman “slams” were mostly pirating old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and contemplating their self-worth, Whitaker proclaimed “They should be pregaming like champs so they can turn up here on the row as they were put in the world to do.”
Not everyone is upset about the freshman class’s recent tranquilization, however. “This has been the quietest week since move in day.” Raoul Resident Assistance Hannah Solomon commented. Citing her plans to marathon Buffy the Vampire Slayer for 72 hours straight, Solomon expressed her hopes that her freshman remain emotionally and socially suppressed for the weekend.
Happy for the first time since orientation, RA Tyler Thompson agreed. “Usually my weekends are full of the late night hoots and screeches of drunken freshman, but as this week comes to an end, all I hear up and down the halls of Longstreet are the gentle sobs of reevaluation. It’s fantastic.”
At press time, formerly pre-medical students had managed to choke back tears long enough to explain to their confused and disappointed parents what “American Studies” is.