If you haven’t noticed the signs every five feet, AKPsi is unfortunately rushing again, with a devious twist: last week, one of the brothers of the very honorable and very prestigious and very selective and definitely not based on daddy’s money Alpha Kappa Psi Business Fraternity™ got a little bit too committed to hazing pledges with disastrous consequences. AKPsi, an organization that exists solely to trauma bond members of the r/wallstreetbets reddit thread, recently moved into the second phase of their yearly agenda: hazing the shit of out of their new pledges.
Thaddeus Sewald (PC ’21) was the victim of muscle memory this Thursday as he was innocently sitting in his Corporate Finance class, dressed in a Patagonia vest, khakis, and boat shoes (without socks, despite the recent cold front). His professor made a small error in calculating an example on the board, and Thaddeus gave the unfortunate knee-jerk reaction of berating him to the point of tears in front of the entire class.
Rising to his full height of 5’7, Thaddeus screamed at the professor that he was fat, ugly, and stupid for not being able to do basic mental math. The finance major looked around for encouragement from his fellow “brothers” before continuing that his professor “doesn’t deserve to be in this frat if he’s going to be this fucking stupid.” The Spoke noted that Thaddeus failed his last exam in Corporate Finance; nonetheless, the verbal abuse continued as Thaddeus gave a list of what he could to make the Professor’s life a living hell. This included making him pull together business presentations in the wee hours of the night, conducting interviews with brothers and be forced to remember the most minute details of their lives, and making him wear a suit at all times, even in the middle of sex. When the professor tried to kick Thad out of class, the brother’s muscle memory kicked in once again as he pulled a handle of vodka out of his otherwise empty backpack and tried to force the professor to chug. Fortunately for Thad, surrounding students forwarded him the anti-hazing task force email and he immediately came to his senses, apologized, and left.
The interview and recap of the event on Thursday ended shortly thereafter as our informant had an urgent AKPsi public relations branch meeting to attend. The frat is still scrambling from the SGA scandal that resulted in zero consequences, and the branch was organizing a taskforce to begin the selling of stale donuts as well as amassing a legion of pledges to pick up those damn signs. But one thing is certain: as AKPsi records the lowest rush numbers in recent memory, this unfortunate incident will probably be just one of many angry outbursts from the once-proud brothers of Alpha Kappa Psi.
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