Young Republicans Back Their Support of TI; “What is a woman without her virginity?”

Rapper and world-renowned author T.I. has come under fire this month for his recent admission to enforcing annual ‘virginity tests’ on his 18 year old daughter. Most of the world seems to have come to the consensus that this is just a generally shitty thing to do. However, Emory’s ‘most improved chapter’ of College Republicans have taken a different approach. In a statement they’ve released (you won’t be able to find it so just trust me on this one), they affirm their stronger than ever love and support of TI and his parenting decisions.

In said statement (which again requires like three google searches and a lot of links so you probably shouldn’t even try to find it), they declare, “There is nothing more sacred than a woman’s virginity; for every time a hymen breaks, so does a father’s heart. The world should really be thanking TI for saving another soul that would otherwise be destined for the fiery pit of hell alongside other abominations such as women who drink, women who smoke, and women who wear t-shirts that say ‘this is what a feminist looks like.’ No, Katniss, this is what a sinner looks like.”

College Republicans have even suggested that TI has not taken it far enough. They continue with, “Girls can do other stuff without having their hymens broken. We suggest to TI that he routinely check his daughter’s saliva for semen as well as keep her away from any and all sexual activity. This includes horseback riding, go-karting (both masturbation havens), and popsicle licking (um.. penis??). We also recommend TI continues to ‘virginity test’ his daughter well into her old age. If waiting until marriage is God’s plan, then waiting until at least your mid-sixties is even more holy. And once TI goes in grace and meets Jesus, the job will fall on her husband, and then her son. Behind every successful woman is a strong man making sure she’s not a whore.”