After fervently complaining to his friends, junior Jared Blanman has once again pointed out his academic hardships, despite having cheated on all of his assignments for the past year.
“Teachers just don’t get it, this has been my hardest year yet,” says Blackman, who has consistently referred to his notes/cellphone ever since classes went online. “It’s like they don’t even care.” Blanman, who had previously had a paltry GPA before the pandemic, has since consistently made the dean’s list, after cheating constantly revising his study habits.
Blanman’s turnaround hasn’t been unappreciated, however.
“At first I thought he’d inexplicably developed a lazy eye between March 1 and 12 last year, but it became pretty clear he’s just cheating,” says Blanman’s chemistry teacher Dr. Sarah Boning. “Like he’s totally doing it, but I don’t see the actual phone ever, so who cares I guess.”
Despite his recent academic turnaround, Blanman remains displeased with the pandemic at large.
“Like I’ve had to give my whole life up, I haven’t been outside in like forever,” says Blanman, who has reportedly spent the last ten months largely ignoring the recommended social distancing guidelines provided by local and national health sources. Maggie’s Neighborhood Bar locals have begun referring to him as “drinking Jared,” and Blanman has subsequently made rounds at the Buckhead bar scene.
Blanman was asked for a comment, but was apparently busy preparing for a night out at Buckhead bar Lost Dog, where the popular “make out with a geriatric” party is being held.
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