Emory University is struck yet again by concert tragedy. This time, rather than the artist not showing up, the artist this year will just not show up whole. Waka Flocka Flame, the Homecoming Concert headliner, reported to the Student Programming Council that he lost his hands.
Mr. Flame declined to disclose the cause of the accident, but rumors of its cause have been in circulation. One source claims Mr. Flame tried to load his wrists with too much ice for a Grove Street party, causing them to snap off. Another source close to Mr. Flame swears that the rooster in his Ferrari got too agitated and pecked them off. A homeless graduate student offered his own opinion, shouting “That’s not real! Waka still has his hands. The Spoke is a hoax!” No one passing by paid any attention to the man’s cries, arguing that “he doesn’t have a doctorate, so why should he be believed about anything?”
The public quickly responded by questioning Mr. Flame’s paint skills. Garett Malenski, an alumnus from a local community college explains, “If Waka isn’t shooting drip drops up on that stage… ya know if he ain’t saucin’ the potato with a quick three or an alley-ello-oop, then why am I even showing up to this G-tech concert?”
Darnel Quicksilver, an Emory first-year hailing from Little Rock, Arkansas, shares this concern, “Will Waka Flocka Flame be able to paint the stage like he promised? How will he hold the brush? Maybe he will have to switch from painting to working with clay. So many questions left unanswered…” While students concerned about Mr. Flame’s hands and Darnel’s upbringing tried to explain what “Da Paint” actually was, Darnell was unintentionally struck in the head with a basketball by Garett. Malenski was elsewhere demonstrating “how to scatter the crumble jam with the sherbet shot” on the court.
At press time, the SPC Band Party Chair, Jeff Jernor, quickly assured the public that this is not nearly as bad as Migos-gate, emphasizing that he still had nothing to do with that situation.
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