Valentine’s Day Horoscopes

Aries

March 21- April 19

Spring is just around the corner, meaning now is the perfect time for new beginnings. Talk to someone new instead of trying to reconnect with your old middle school crush. Try your hand at some Spring cleaning, and while you’re at it maybe get rid of that shrine to your old middle school crush. Just don’t go visit your crush’s house again, their restraining order still hasn’t expired.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

People born under Taurus are strong-willed, determined, and this Valentine’s Day they are thirstier than a suburban mom during Prohibition. A stellar alignment has caused Taurus to ascend over Uranus. Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Farmer’s Only – keep your options (and legs) wide open.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Geminis tend to attract people who are similar to them. On Valentines Day, prepare to meet someone who keeps an extra set of Air Pods on them and spends more money on coffee than tuition. Most of your conversations will consist of you two saying “Don’t @ me” until you’ve forgotten the original conversation. Your relationship won’t ever officially end, but just drift off when you pretend the other doesn’t exist.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Romance isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Your biggest kink is maintaining your GPA and hopefully even getting a job after you graduate. Kick off this Valentine’s Day with a steamy 10 AM exam. Spend a soothing afternoon exploring a poorly constructed canvas page. Treat yourself to a sinfully indulgent night as you lay out some rose petals, light a few scented candles, and cram for the exam you have the next day.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You will receive quite a bit of attention from potential suitors. But is it ever enough? How much validation will you need before you actually feel satisfied from your relationships with those around you? Maybe if you could at least get your life together, you wouldn’t latch on to anyone who gives you the time of day.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You may not have anyone this Valentine’s Day, but sometimes self-discovery is necessary for personal growth. It’s too bad that you’ll discover that you are a furry. Ignore the consternation of those around you as you spend quality time with not just yourself, but your newfound fursona.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

The stars are really aligning in your favor: your Neptune and Venus are both in the Seventh House while Pluto and Mercury are in the Fifth. Now maybe if you stopped yapping on about the stars to everyone, they might want to have a real conversation with you. Do yourself a favor and leave the astrology to the professionals.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Why did you even bother looking here? You know damn well you’re going to be alone this Valentine’s Day. You’re an awful person in every way and there is absolutely zero reason for you to expect anyone to show you sympathy. Maybe take yourself down a couple notches on the asshole-o-meter, but you already know you’re not going to change.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Yeah, you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, so what? It’s not like you told yourself that this would be the year. You’re doing perfectly fine, something your friends are perfectly aware of. After all, you know just how to handle things on your own. With a handle of vodka. And so many Taylor Swift songs. Wait, now the vodka has just mixed with your tears. Your roommate has called CAPS.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Now is your chance to become Jeff Bezos’ new lover. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and you are far too determined to let him pick anyone else but you. It’s simply a matter of time before you accidentally bump into him, drop all of your things, look into his rich dark eyes and trap that billionaire of all billionaires.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Aquarius people tend to take center stage, which is unfortunate for you because your significant other will be watching when your DUC food goes straight through you before you can say “bacon and pickle pizza”. Consider wearing a diaper at the cost of your dignity.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Pisces is the sign of flux, making dating difficult because serious relationships require commitment. It may be necessary for you to have a talk and clarify the status of your relationship as well as work out some issues you have been having. It’s time to declare an ultimatum because they can’t love both you and Shrek the Third.