It’s a story often repeated at this time of year; a sophomore friend group has decided to have a Secret Santa Gift Exchange. But in a freak accident of statistics (⅓ odds = 33%), one girl will be forced to buy a gift for her least favorite member of the group.
The girl in question, one Candace Cane (26C), has been in shock for the past three days, trying to wrap her head around this unthinkable burden. Ms. Cane also asked to remain anonymous to protect the feelings of her friend, but The Spoke values journalistic integrity too much to withhold information from our loyal readers.
We went to Cane’s residence to interview her. At first, we thought we got the time wrong since it seemed like no one was home. We were kicking ourselves for being such bad interviewers, until we heard a small “Come in,” from inside the dark apartment. Stepping inside, it was immediately clear the effect this tragedy has had on this once moderately attractive woman. Her eyes had circles under them, her hair was matted to the side of her face, her breath smelled like Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, and her clothes smelled like regular fish food.
“I would’ve been happy with any of the other girls. I mean, I’m super easy-going with this stuff,” said Cane, blowing her nose into her t-shirt between handfuls of stale Cheetos. “But Carol is just so boring. And she’s got this laugh? Ehehehehe. It’s like a chuckle. She’s a chuckler.” According to Cane, the girl in question, Carol O’Dabells (26B), is really only part of the group because she helped Cane’s freshman roommate through bio lab.
When asked what she planned to gift O’Dabells, Cane just responded, “I don’t know. A candle or something? She’s the sort of person who would looove a candle.” Cane seemed to think less of O’Dabells for her hypothetical enjoyment of candles.
At this point in the interview, O’Dabells walked into the suite and asked who these people were in her apartment. “We are THE SPOKE!” we exclaimed with joyous abandon. “Who?” she asked. After a brief 45 minute explanation, she responded, “Oh. Why is The Spoke interviewing us?” Cane jumped in quickly: “No reason.” At this point, O’Dabells nodded and went to her room. Cane rolled her eyes. “See? Isn’t that so annoying?” The Spoke probably shouldn’t say this, but O’Dabells did sort of seem like a dud.
After offering our sincere condolences to Ms. Cane once more, The Spoke team departed. We don’t know what happened to her; maybe she took the high road and bought a passable gift. Maybe she was driven out of her mind and will be in an insane asylum for the rest of her life.
Perhaps her story can offer some solace to those of us in the same situation, forced to spend our valuable time and money on someone who’s just sort of a loser. A bore. A flop. We are the ones who make this great beautiful world go ‘round. And if you think this situation would never happen to you: take a nice long look in the mirror, flop.
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