As we all know, Covid is completely over (despite the weird cough you’ve had all semester) and while there are plenty of upsides of failing your classes in person, there is a gigantic downside. No more nuts during Chem 150. However, even without the safety of zoom, an aspiring classturbator can still achieve their dreams with hard work, lube, and borderline sexual harassment of an entire lecture hall.
- The Bill Clinton
As we all know, the 42nd president was the king of secretive nuts. Obviously, the classturbator must follow in his footsteps. Now, this option is going to sound particularly complicated, but just trust me for a second. The “Bill Clinton” requires you to find a blue dress, this might be a little harder for those classtubators who are a little larger, but it needs to fit you just right. Now, this blue dress will give you just the right access to strangle your rabbit during lectures, and it provides for easy “clean up.” If a little blue dress is good enough to be a presidential cumrag, it’s good enough for the average classturbator.
2. The Scallywag
Every good classturbator knows that diversion is the name of the game. This play depends heavily on diversion and perfect timing. All it requires is slipping a helping hand into your WalmartTM sweatpants. As the classtubator nears completion, they must jump to their feet. The timing is critical at this moment. They must slap their neighbor seconds before the money shot and exclaim “YOU SCALLYWAG, YOU’VE BROUGHT DISHONOR TO MY FAMILY.” The final step is to pray to every god you believe in that everyone was too distracted by your accusation to notice the wet spot spreading across your WalmartTM sweatpants.
3. The Three-eyed Juggler and his Monkey
Now this is a steady habit of every experienced penile abuser. It’s a combination of three different plays: The Three Wise Men, Call Me Ishmael, and The Loch-Ness Monster. As you start hunting Moby-Dick, make sure you bring the murr along or else you’ll end up drowning like Loch-Ness Monster herself. The pegleg is an optional piece, but strongly suggested.
4. The Ham Sandwich
Are you eating a ham sandwich or are you secretly beating your meat like it owes you money? I have no idea and neither will any of your classmates with the ham sandwich! Simply undo your zipper and place a sandwich directly onto your lap. After that, just do whatever feels right. The best part is you have a delicious, if slightly salty, snack for once you finish!
5. The Jedi Mind Trick
Now, our fifth way is only for the most advanced classturbator. It requires the perfect combination of focus and kegeling. If you dare to try to make yourself bust like GameStop stock using only your mind, be careful. You might end up shooting more kids than a white boy with a list of names in his pocket.
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