Top Five Monkeys Emory’s Primate Research Lab Should Frankenstein To Life

Emory has been conducting research on monkeys and apes for over 80 years. They study diseases, develop vaccines, learn more about neurological disorders, and generally work to advance the wellbeing of humans and animals alike. 

 

But what if, hear me out, they stopped caring about all that boring stuff? What if, instead, they used their years of research to do what we all really wanted them to do, even if we never realized how much we wanted it to happen? What if they started making badass monkeys?

 

Now, imagine you are perusing Fizz, as one does when they have no social life. Suddenly, a video of Donkey Kong taking selfies with students on the quad appears on your feed. You would probably be super excited and realize your incredibly expensive tuition is going to very good use. Why just get excited about eagles and skeletons?

With that in mind, here are the top five monkeys and primates that Emory should make real:

 

Number 5:

Rafiki from The Lion King

Imagine being held up in front of the entire animal kingdom bowing down to you. That sounds sick as hell. Talk about the circle of life! (But Pride Rock in this instance is just the outdoor seating area behind ESC Kaldi’s, which is admittedly a little less dope.)

 

Number 4:

Curious George

Aren’t you a little (bi) curious? This silly little guy could totally hang out at Wonderful Wednesday and increase the levels of fun. However, he may get up to some monkey business!

 

Number 3:

King Kong

Put him on any sports team and our school immediately goes D1. We could have a football team that is literally just him. Georgia Tech can suck it.

 

Number 2:

Johnny from Sing

To many, an arguably hot British gorilla in a leather jacket that can sing Elton John is nothing but fiction. But what if it became a reality? SPC would have their next Homecoming performer in the bag.

 

And last but not least…

 

Number 1:

Harambe

All of our problems would be solved if we brought him back to life. Bring my boy back, he did NOT deserve to die.

 

If this intrigues you at all, I recommend that you go forth to your virtue-signalling alternate Instagram infographic account and start a campaign for what TRULY matters. Donkey Kong on the quad.