Members of the Greek community were shocked today when news that sorority Kappa Alpha T****, currently under investigation for hazing, would be leading the anti-hazing seminar for all members of greek life. “My girlfriend’s in T****…” said one Thomas Rollins, SAE junior. “One time we were making out on my waterbed, which yes, I know is fucking dope. Tiff just pulls out the paddle her Little made for her, and tells me to ‘assume the position, you little bitch’ with a look in her eye like it wasn’t her first rodeo. The things that woman has done makes me wish we were back in Hell Week.”
As the days counted down to the seminar, vast speculation begun to build about T****’s plans. Some sources reported eerie satanic chanting coming from many old ZBT rooms. Needless to say the Greek community was on the edge of their seats.
On the night of the seminar, in the WSCHAB auditorium, all fraternities and sororities were present, except for AEPi, who were holding a brotherhood night in their “hazement”.
First to speak was Mindy Wallace, T**** president. “I’m so glad you all went Greek! As you know, greek life is fundamental to Emory not being terrible. Without Greek life, we would have no mixers, Buckhead would get stale, and most importantly, there would be no arbitrary ranking system that we could use to viciously rip our fellow women warriors apart with!”
Wallace continued to scream of the benefits of Greek life until the president of the OSFL coughed loudly.
“Oh, right! Hazing is a big problem! We don’t want to call out anybody specifically, but there have been some incidents in the past year from ONE probationary group.” Wallace stated, glaring at the TriDelt clan.
After a battle between the two sororities of spitting out their respective “where’s your lodge” and “nice mixers,” Public Relations Chair Emily Lorentson took the stage. “We’ll now be showing a Powerpoint with some live demonstrations of what we at Kappa Alpha T**** consider hazing activity.”
Soon after, T**** sisters started bringing various items on to the stage, paddles, funnels, glass mirrors, and various other appliances and miscellaneous tools.
Sig Chi senior and prospective 5th year Nick Haley described the situation as “a teaching moment.” He continued, “When Em brought the whisk out I had no idea where she was going with it, but now, we’ve got some cool methods of new member education for next spring… I mean new methods to avoid” Haley later added.
T**** brought their speech to a close with a survey. “Raise your hands if you think it’s okay to make your pledges do coke.” Sources report that a few hands from Kappa Sig were raised and quickly lowered.
Once again Wallace took the stage in an impassioned speech, “No, people! A freshman’s coke habit is not something that can be forced… It needs to be taken steadily and tenderly, a slow build up to the point where they can no longer live without it. Who are we to think we have the right to play God in such a beautiful process.”
At press time, T****’s only further comment was that the hazing was “not a T**** event!”
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