Swoop State Officially Rebrands as “UGA of the Wealthy”

The Student Programming Council launched new efforts to make Homecoming an authentically immersive public school simulation for students and returning alumni. No expense has been spared trying to make Emory University look like it isn’t rolling in $7 billion of coke money. 

SPC Head of Programming Jacqueline Heller said, “Sport school homecomings offer students a chance to feel a sense of community they usually lack. Naturally, we thought to ourselves, ‘what do most Emory students lack?’ and realized it’s the experience of not being able to afford a $60,000 private institution!” The Programming Committee looked to state school neighbor UGA, where the median student family income exceeds $100,000, as a model. 

Landscapers pulled out patches of grass and throwing empty styrofoam cups to make the quad more unkempt, professors were dismissed to make class sizes larger, and construction workers were hired to make every building except White Hall, under the president’s instructions, “look low production value.” 

Having observed a 0.21% decrease in alumni donations over the past 21 fiscal quarters, the Board of Trustees endorsed these cosmetic changes. Vice Chair Gerald Turlington realized, “Alumni don’t want to be reminded of the more prestigious schools they got rejected from. They need to be reminded that their dollars are going somewhere valuable, like the pink flowers on the med school lawn that look absolutely gorgeous for 27 days out of the year.” 

The additional budget to fund the school’s makeover came from donations of the students employed by the Emory Telefund. For each caller who failed to give, student workers received a 25 cent pay cut.