Hell is a Great Wolf Lodge. Incoming freshman Chad Fenves (no relation) enjoyed his last week of summer break at this supposed slice of paradise. A water park in a hotel? What could go wrong? Lots. Chad volunteered this story to the Spoke as a cautionary tale for any student who ever thinks to stay at this waterpark/hotel resort.
It all started when Chad spotted a semi-empty hot tub, occupied only by a raisining old man, with his eyes closed resting on the hot tub’s edge (breathing?). Easing into the hot tub, Chad imagined himself in just a week, joining the Emory fraternity that his dad and his dad before him attended. He could already see himself and the boyz fine dining at a food truck for breakfast, lunch, and dinner–Every college student’s dream.
Suddenly, Chad was completely soaked–and not because of his food truck daydream. Someone just cannon balled in the hot tub! This uncouthness at a Great Wolf Lodge? Chad couldn’t believe it. Just then, a little menace of a kid emerged from the bubbles with his goggles, snorkel, and neon floaties.
Chad tried to ignore this six-year-old the way his own father ignored him at that age. He played it cool, like he didn’t even notice this kid staring right at him with only his eyes above the water. Chad so wasn’t feeling threatened. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. More splashes sounded. This brat had brought backup with him! Little kids climbed in from all sides of the hot tub, screaming and shoving. Chad wondered, where were their parents??
“Did you know if you pee in the pool it turns red?”
Chad peeked an eye open to look at the cannonball kid speaking to him.
“That’s just a rumor,” Chad scoffed. But was it? He’s never actually tested it. Well, he doesn’t have to pee anyway so it’s not even a probl–
The last kid of the brat pack jumped over Chad into the hot tub, a stray ankle kicking Chad under the water so Chad’s knee scrapes the bottom of the hot tub. Blood bloomed from his cut and created a haziness of red around him. There’s blood in the water and this sticky-fingered kid was the shark.
“He’s peeing!!!” the kid shouted. Everyone else joined in, pointing and laughing at Chad.
“No, no! It’s blood!” Chad protested. He didn’t pee, he just scraped his knee!
“He’s on his period!” the kid shouted.
“NO!”
The sleeping old man jerked awake in disgust and scrambled out of the pool with unexpected vigor. Chad slowly sunk under the water as the six-year-olds closed in, calling him Aunt Flo, pool pisser, and period-boy. Kids can be cruel.
At least, Chad thought, my soon-to-be fraternity brothers will treat me and others with the utmost respect and kindness.
Wish him luck.
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