The Spoke knows that it is difficult to choose exactly the right candidate to represent your interests in these trying times. To ease the democratic process, The Spoke offers our annual candidate breakdown.
Lisa Larenge– The Larenge campaign is hedging their bets on the fact that voting for Larenge enters you in a sweepstakes to win a $25 amazon gift card.
Raj W Patel– Son of Incumbent SGA President Raj H.W Patel, this candidate is only here because of Daddy’s money, but will probably win anyway.
Robert Francis– With a few more printed flyers and another phone call to his mom, Francis will be ready to hit the campaign trail with full force.
Warlock Abezethibou of Gha’rahmar– T҉hi͘s̡͢ Ù̢p͞-̕à̵̀n͘d̸̕-͏cơme̷r ̀͏͝h͝ą͝s͘͝ ҉́͠s͟͝ome̶̢ ̸g̛̀͢rę͞͠a͢ţ͏ p̛͏l̴a̵ń͘͜s͢͟ ̸̕͘t̸̀o̶͜ ̴͜͟i͜m͠p̛͜͝rové ̨͝t͟ḩ̡̕e̵ ͡C͢l͢ą̵ir̷̶mo͘͞n̶t͞͞ ̶͏s͘h̵̴͜u҉͟t̨t̷͞l̴̸͡e̸ ͟ś̨y̧sţ̧em̀.
Aaron Althusser– Comments withheld pending generous buy-off from Althusser campaign.
Ralph Nader– Perennial election spoiler.
Phoebe Coughlin– After narrowly surviving last weeks tribal council, Phoebe will have to hope for immunity next round, or it could spell the end for her quest for the million dollar prize.
General Alcmaeon, son of Megacles– Ready to use experience gained in the Peloponnesian War to increase SGA transparency
Jason Zhu– Just a super-cute Pisces who is still looking for a formal date.
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