Echoes of “Lord, I don’t know what I’ll do” were heard around campus this Thursday when news broke that, yet again, the Student Programming Council had been duped by a fraudulent third party. This time, by an 11-year-old boy posing as 10-year-old “Yodel Boy” Mason Ramsey.
At 2:17 A.M. on Thursday, the SPC issued a press release apologizing to students for the mishap. A representative of SPC told our reporters that the perpetrator was a white, blonde male of approximately 11 years of age that was encountered by an SPC member at the Decatur Walmart and offered $60,000 to perform at the Dooley’s Week concert.
Upon being offered the $60,000 check, the boy creaked out a yodel that “in and of itself should have been the first indication that, just because he was a little white kid at Walmart, that doesn’t mean he’s FUCKING YODEL BOY, JARED! HOW COULD YOU BE SO GODDAMN STUPID?” according to the SPC Rep.
SPC president Caila Robinson apologized on behalf of the organization and expressed disappointment that the Council failed to provide Emory students with this much-needed display of southern culture.
“He’s in a Walmart. He’s wearing cowboy boots. He’s yodeling. It’s like the whitest, most stereotypically southern thing I’ve ever seen. He would have literally confirmed to every single northern Emory student’s stereotypes of the south. And I KNOW that the only thing that rich New Yorkers like more than cocaine is being right about southerners.” Robinson told our reporter through tears.
“I’m just sad I let them, along with the school’s many, many meme enthusiasts down. I was supposed to be their HERO. I was going to redeem this organization. Now instead of worshipping me, @swoopdaddy69 is going to hate me forever,” she said.
To make matters worse, undergraduate students seemed, by large, disappointed with the SPC’s pick for an alternative performer: Lil Yachty.
“Look, if I wanted to see a small yacht I’d buy one. But I don’t need to, because my family already owns a much larger yacht that we take on day trips from our estate on the Amalfi coast,” said Sig Chi junior Paolo Fioretti.
However, some students seemed more optimistic about the change in performers.
“I take comfort in knowing that my friends and I will be pregaming the Lil Yachty concert with Yodel Boy Remix on loop – that shit fucking BANGS. I do want my money back, though,” first-year Alyssa Belmonte told reporters.
At press time, Emory University President Claire Sterk reported the Emory Meme Page was “blowing up [her] mf phone.”
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