SPC announced this morning that Dooley’s Week, often referred to only as Free-Shit Week, will be Lollapalooza-themed. From a slightly cooler Wonderful Wednesday, to huge lines for one taco, Dooley’s Week tends to be extra special. Knowing that Lil Yachty will be headlining, Lenny Murdock, a B-School senior, comments on the theme, “I went to Lollapalooza when I was twelve and it was, like, life changing.” Murdock continues, “I can’t wait to do LSD to numb myself through Lil Yachty’s performance, like I did when I was twelve at Lollapalooza.”
Events following this theme are still unknown to the student body but The Spoke has come in contact with an ex-SPC-turned-College-Council student who has leaked some details on what’s to come this Dooley’s Week. SPC, instead of giving away free Blue Donkey, will be giving cocaine cut with boric acid. For the Week’s shirts given out at all of the events, SPC has designed a faux vomit-covered ripped tee. Hoping to match a true music festival, reports indicate that SPC will also be supplying cultural appropriation to create a more authentic festival environment; dreadlocks, Native American headbands, and sombreros are some examples of what’s to come.
In line with this appropriation, one highlight of the week will certainly be thursday night’s events. SPC has set up a stick-and-poke tattoo station hosted by Arts at Emory. Arts at Emory is incredibly excited to be hosting their first event since 2010. “I’m just really excited to poke the fuck out of my bio lab partners. I could’ve definitely gotten an A without them” said Michelle Hu, a sophomore majoring in visual arts at the College.
With the amount of power we all know the SPC secretly has, by choosing this theme, the organization has made it acceptable, if not encouraged, to be wasted by 2pm everyday for one week. Max Mayhew, the SPC spokesperson says, “If you were too pussy to sit in for your 1pm drunk out of your mind, worry no more! SPC has you covered, but remember vomiting in classrooms is not backed by the Student Programming Council. Consult Student Health for further information.”
For the concert that caps this week off, SPC has managed to book Lil Yachty for the small sum of 30 million dollars from students’ precious tuition money. Multiple sources confirm that SPC searched and searched to book anyone who has ever collaborated with Migos. Although SPC representatives contest that the true headliner of the week is “Emory’s school spirit,” multiple sources are still believe that, if true, this headliner will, like Migos, not show up during Dooley’s Week.
When told the actual artist, Emory students immediately argued that SPC managed to book the worst Lil of them all. Ben Brown shared with us his heartbreaking reaction to the news, “I read Lil and my mind went directly to Lil Wayne and Lil Dicky. I think I almost passed out. I was so excited. When I realized it was Lil Yachty, I threw up. A lot.” Another source adding “Lil… Yachty!? Why do bad things happen to good people?”
Emory students are used to that kind of teasing and disappointment coming from the Programming Council. With the Migos scandal last year, the bar is set pretty high at just showing up. Mayhew, though, explains how excited the organization is about the artist, “Lil Yachty has been in the spotlight recently for his young, vibrant hair–I mean persona. And his style is just like every other rapper, which totally helps him stand out from the crowd… Um, but seriously, the guy’s hair looks like flaming hot Cheetos. Which is totally dope, bro.” Booze wasn’t enough to numb the tragedy that was Ty Dolla $ign’s performance last year, but it might be enough to make Lil yachty, an up-and-coming rapper, a good performer. One thing is for sure, to the 4 Emory students that actually like Lil Yachty, only good things are coming your way! I mean, assuming he shows up.
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