So, the girl named Amber that you’re seeing is actually named after the Alert, now what?

You’re 3 weeks steady with that Amber girl you matched with on Bumble. Things feel right: you both have airpods so it’s not awkward, she let you get to second base but not on the first go-around, and now you’re at Panera with her. You’re running out of Office jokes to reference, so you decide to ask her about herself. Confidently, you say, “Your name is so pretty, are you named after the gemstone?” To which she responds, “No actually I’m named after the alert.”

Much like an actual Amber Alert, hearing this information triggers a fight-or-flight response in you. Knowing the origin of her name makes you feel less secure about pursuing a relationship with her, considering your unsuccessful past with girls including: Miranda (named after the rights), Dave (named after the comic subs), and lets not forget your most recent 3 way with Ben and Jerry.

Do not panic just yet though. One perk of having a steady girlfriend is that you can give her pet names; a fun way to subtly say, “I don’t like what your parents named you so i will just call you by something else.” By simply calling her “babe” for a couple weeks, that way you can forget all about the name her parents condemned her with. You may come to find that Amber is kind, sweet, kinky, patient, and charming. If that is the case, then congratulations, you just found a girl that is actually interested in a relationship with you! 

You never know, after some  time passes, Amber may end up being the girl of your dreams, and by then you may be able  to embrace her name. Bypass the monogrammed Tiffany necklace and buy her that life alert necklace that says, “Help, I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up.”