In a surprising turn of events, Eagle Row fraternities have reportedly decided to give a shit about their pledges. “Run the Row” is a spectacle where boys who couldn’t hang with state school Greek Life trample over each other to get home to their new bros (no homo). However, there have always been injuries as a result of this event; last year several pledges and civilian audience members were lacerated by a Lime scooter.
In an attempt to make the tradition safer for brothers, new members, and their hoes alike, this year’s conclusion of rush consisted of young, hungover men roaming slowly and with care down Eagle Row. A few stopped along the way to smell roses, some pointed out shapes they saw in the clouds (penises), and most of them got lost along the way. Bystanders noted that it was actually a very calm, pleasant sight. An Office of Sorority and Fraternity life statement noted that “this was a good way to improve Greek life’s reputation on campus.” However, the student body was extremely upset to miss out on arguably the only school-spirited event at Emory, where first-years and seniors come together to laugh at all the dumb, trust-fund Chads and Brocks fall on top of each other to run home to a semester of hazing.
Unfortunately, Emory will have to wait until next year to see their annual celebration of white male rage. Alternatively, the student body can check out the Oscars on Sunday, February 9th to get their dose instead.
Be First to Comment