After an extensive meta-analysis of the population, researchers over at Emory University’s very own Woodruff Library have concluded that the striking predictor for a straight man’s sexual activity is not in fact fitness nor gorgeous Patrick Dempsey hair. Instead, primary researcher and former resident of LSM Rebecca Jones found that having a planned parenthood sticker is the most common variable among men who “get hella pussy.” Surprising to some, yet completely familiar to others, these results shattered preconceptions about the patterns of human mating.
To get further insight on how the scientific community reacted to these results, we managed to host an interview with Dr. Stevens in the anthropology department, who has studied mating patterns in bonobos for over 20 years. She explained, “I have focused much of my life on studying mating calls, displays of dominance, and socio-cultural interactions in greater apes. I thought this extrapolated nicely to humans.” After the publication of Rebecca Jones’ research, Dr. Stevens realised the disastrous mistake she has made.
Dr. Stevens communicated that she had wrongly evaluated certain controls in her experiments. “I never considered that bonobos don’t have access to PP’s website nor do they have the money nor the time to donate to the cause.” Dr. Stevens was later found wallowing in despair due to this massive mistake spanning her lifetime of research. “It be like that,” responded Jones when Dr. Stevens decided to quit her job and pursue method acting instead.
When pressed on what made them pursue this research, Jones and her team stated that it all happened when they were on the first floor of the library pulling an all-nighter for their GenChem final. Jones was with her friends and the two men that sat at her table in lecture. They were studying together in hopes that the other table members would, “Cut the fucking bullshit and get me those four extra points, David. I’m trying to go to med school.”
Chrissy Smith, Jones’ study associate shared with us her experience: “David pulls out his computer in the dimly lit corner of Peet’s Coffee Shop, and there it was. Glimmering. Almost sparkling. In that moment nothing else mattered. Every mansplaining event became a distant memory; every microaggression forgotten in the blink of an eye. This man was advocating for my most basic reproductive rights and I was about to bUsT.”
Smith continues, “Because like, he doesn’t even have to do that, you know? Like he has a dick. I mean sure, women are 50% of the population and he has a mother… maybe a sister, but they could be like, total bitches, so it’s really big of him to care for us. He has a penis. Do you understand what I’m saying?” The researchers analyzed this social phenomenon and uncovered upon a truly profound discovery: what a planned parenthood sticker shows is much more than a 2 dollar purchase; it shows allyship. Nothing says “I’m with the women” more than a worn-out pink sticker. “It is advocacy at it’s finest. And it is so sexy.” says Jones.
We contacted David for some insight on his experience with women after his purchase. “I love women, and I love birth control. Men should have to take birth control too, it’s not even fair. Did you know male seahorses carry the child. I wish I was a seahorse… Did you get that?”
David frequently shares insight with his brothers, who report David has never gotten laid more in his life. “He puuuulllsss. This man gets women left and right, it’s insane. He doesn’t even go to parties. He just sits in the library with his computer out screaming ‘I Armour up with Nexplanon,’” commented a brother who would rather stay anonymous.
David is thinking of taking his advocacy to the next level by joining the executive board of Planned Parenthood on campus. When Smith heard about David’s plans of joining PP@Emory she orgasmed right then and there, on the 3rd stool to the right at Peets’ large dining table: “He’s… just… sO WOkE!”.
However, he had not submitted the application because it is reportedly “…so long. Lmao that’s what she said. No, but seriously, it’s like 4 questions holy shit. I know women have issues and whatever but this is too far. I’m just going to buy a pin for my backpack or something. Maybe I’ll even get a shirt, but those are like 20 bucks so probably not,” David said as he set down his backpack on his extensive stack of Playboy magazines. “Oh these? I just buy them so there’s less out there for the children. Also, I am all about female empowerment. Power to the nipple, right?”
At press time: Jones was found starting up a business venture to sell stickers to frat brothers: “If you want to help brothers get laid… I mean advocate for women’s reproductive rights please get in touch with me at WomensRightsForMen@emory.edu”
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