What? No, I’m Not Drunk!
Excuse me, what? No, I am not drunk, Chelsea! How could I possibly be drunk right now, I’ve barely even had a drink all night!
Wow. I finally express my love for you, and the first thing you do is ask if I’m drunk. Unbelievable.
I mean if I’m drunk, then why am I so articulate right now? How am I so coordinated? Yeah I’m drunk, so there’s no way I can do a jumping jack right now. Oh wait, I just did. Oh yeah, I’m sooo drunk Chelsea, so it’s impossible that I could ever perform a somersault except…
…except I JUST DID. Smell my breath. Smell my breath right now. I’m serious, Chelsea. Smell it. Do it! Smell any alcohol? Nope, just my standard doritos cheese breath.
Look, I see you’re still not entirely convinced, so I’m gonna prove my sobriety right now. Look at this cup, I’m gonna put it on my head and then I’m gonna take my hands off. No don’t touch it. Okay, taking my hands off. Could a drunk person do this? How about while touching my nose? How about while also on one leg? Ah! Chelsea! I’m so sorry. I admit that was beyond my abilities. But would drunk me be that honest with himself? I think not. Hang on right here, I’m going to get some napkins for your face…
…Ok, I’m back. What? Oh shit, the napkins! But you know, it was pretty out of the blue of you, accusing me like that. Are you trying to divert attention, Chelsea, you got a closeted skeleton or something? You better give me your keys. I don’t care that we walked here, give them right now. I’m getting some more chips, and the napkins for the beer on your face, but know this, Chelsea. I love you, from the deepest regions of my heart, and guess what Chelsea – this feeling is forever.
Bluuuurrrrrrrrrg
Bluuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg. Chelsea Igahhhhhhhhhhhhh blurg. Gahhhhhhhhh aauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg. Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhg. Bluuuuurrrr-rrrrrrrrrggggggggggg. Gahhhhh hhhhhhhh blurg.
Chelsea gethelpuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh blurg. Gahhhhhhhhhbl uuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrggggggg. Blaaaaaaa-aaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr-gggggggg ggggg. Auuuuuuuuuuuuu- uhhhhhhhg.
I’ve never had this kind of reactiobehh-hhhhblurgahhhhhhhhhbluuuuuuuuuurr-rrrrrrrrrrggggggg. Blaaaaaaaaaaaauuuu-uuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg. Auuu-uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhg. Bluuuuurrrrrrrrr-rrrrggggggggggg.
Napkins! Napkins Chelseaaauuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg. Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh-hhhhhg. Hhhhbluuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrg-gggggblaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr-ggggggggggggg. Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhg. Bluuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg.
It’s over. See, I’mblaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr-ggggggggggggg.
Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhg.
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