OSFL Survey: Would you hook up with a lukewarm bowl of oatmeal if it was wearing an ADPi shirt?

A recent survey from the Office of Sorority and Fraternity Life, in partnership with the QTM Department, revealed that a staggering 87% of Emory’s fraternity brothers would willingly copulate with a day-old bowl of steel-cut oats if it was wearing an Alpha Delta Pi sweatshirt. These results come in light of the hot cereal’s newfound popularity, from the overnight oats craze to the “girl, you’re thicker than a bowl of oatmeal” Vine, as well as a disappointing dating scene in the age of COVID-19.

Dr. Mark Expo, lead analyst on the project, described the data as “disappointing but not surprising.” Says Dr. Expo, “I wouldn’t expect anything less out of a group of people who can’t be bothered to put comments in their R code. At least OSFL was able to pay me with some extra money from their sexual harrassment suit budget.”

Survey participants were given several images of people, animals, and inanimate objects, then were asked if they would engage in intercourse with the subject of the photo (or, put in terms they understood, “smash or pass”). Each picture was shown once in its original state, and once with ADPi’s 2020 bid day crewneck photoshopped on top of it.

While all images received a boost in popularity from their sorority affiliation, the porridge’s exceptionally high “smash” rate warranted further examination. However, yesterday’s breakfast isn’t everyone’s cup of tea – according to demographic breakdowns, 96% of the respondents who opted to “pass” on this top-tier Greek oatmeal identify as gay.

“It’s like, she’s hot but she’s still cool, you know?” muses Chad Thadson (22B) of Sigma Chi. “I wouldn’t have to stress about whether she’d want to cuff me after formal.” Dr. Expo clarified that Thadson’s comment is technically accurate: despite the bowl’s ice-cold interior, the top layer of oats was eventually warmed by the hot, heavy breaths of aroused SAEs.