I’m suing the Oscars because Andrew Garfield lost The Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his performance as Eduardo Saverin in the 2010 film The Social Network, again.
And when I die, I request that my ashes be mailed directly to the estate of Christian Charles Philip Bale, winner of the 2011 Academy Award for Best Actor In a Supporting Role for the film The Fighter, in which Bale does not play, as written in the screenplay by Aaron Sorkin, a “sweet-looking Brazilian sophomore” who is in love with his best friend/CEO. Bale, who never took the stairs up Kirkland House two by two at 2 in the morning when he found his boyfriend ranting drunkenly on his blog called Zuck On It, deserved nothing more than a “nice job” sticker and a goody bag filled with CBD gummies.
As the representative straight Gentile ally to the Tumblr, Venmo, and Twitter communities, I demand reparations for the extreme emotional duress I was placed in over the past nine years and for the Oxford English Dictionary to recognize “jewnicorns” as a historically and culturally significant part of the English lexicon.
Because what is true affection if not telling the beautiful boy sitting in front of you, “I’m the guy that wants to help. This is our thing.” And he didn’t tell you about the letter from the Winklevii’s lawyer, but he loves you. And you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling.
Or when he forgets to pick you up from the airport and you’re left in the rain and he can’t apologize and instead can only say, “I want–I want–I need you out here,” even though Sean Parker can’t know that he told you. He can barely make eye contact, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.
While I’m sure this year’s winner, Brad Pitt, did a great job showing off his feet or whatever people do in Quentin Tarantino movies these days, has he made a significant contribution to the existence of the upcoming Taylor Swift The Social Network jukebox musical? I think not.
So my final words to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? I’ll bet what you hate the most is that my opinions have been acknowledged as actually being culturally relevant–which they are! You better lawyer up, assholes. ‘Cause I’m not just suing for my tender-hearted, bushy-eyebrowed CFO to get the 2020 Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role because you have no idea what this will mean to his father. I’m coming back for everything.*
*Except for Mahershala Ali’s historic win for his role in 2016 film Moonlight.
Be First to Comment