Do you ever feel like Emory is missing something? A greasy Arby’s, an old troll who lives under the Cox bridge, or maybe even a run-down strip club? Well, whatever you were thinking is wrong. A four-lane mega highway is the cherry on top that we have all been looking for.
The very sound of “four lane mega highway”is so dazzling that for most, no explanation is necessary; the potential of a concrete oasis speaks for itself. But I’ll elaborate for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake.
It comes down to three, all too obvious factors: unrelenting beauty, joyous division, and noise pollution.
The beauty that a four-lane mega-highway has to offer is nearly impossible to put into words, so it’s a good thing you have me. Think of the glimmering concrete just radiating heat. It will bring a plain old 100-degree day to the next level. If picturing that wondrous sheet of gray isn’t enough for you, imagine those inevitable billboards that not only push the boundaries of art, but your comfort zone too. Many like to say that Emory is a beautiful campus, but the addition of a four-lane mega highway, plowing straight through Asbury circle, will leave them speechless.
The looks department is only the beginning. This endless, concrete Eden even has practicality. This project isn’t just another pointless road, rather,this fantasmic sheet of concrete will go all the way around the business school, keeping all those golf-loving, finance doing, mamas boys away from the poor humanities students who have had to hear about the stock market and bitcoin for far too fucking long. Oh, and if you have any questions about exiting the Goizueta circle, I can’t help you.
Come 2042 (Rome wasn’t built in a day, asshole), the four-lane mega highway will finally bring some peace to Emory’s campus. But don’t you worry, things won’t get too quiet. You may think that with the official exile of those greedy bankers, Emory will grow quiet. Once again, you are wrong (no surprise there). Noise pollution is one of the central benefits of regular highways, not to mention a four-lane mega-highway. Now the sweet hum of car horns and darling engines of insecure motorcyclists will guide us through the day and lull us to sleep. I know you know how dreamy that sounds.
I’ve laid out the evidence. My message is clear. Now, you and I both know that no further conclusion is necessary.
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