Let me preface this with three simple words: I HATE PANTS. Any true Southerner in their right mind would wholeheartedly agree that shorts truly reign supreme. As a born and bred Texan, I firmly believe in the three Gs: Gravy, Guns, and GODDAMMIT TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
Friends, the devil has come down to Georgia in the form of pants. They are the physical embodiment of confinement, and thus an attack on our freedom. Your legs deserve to be free and feel everything that you do. Nothing compares to the sensation of peeling your thighs off of the bed of a Ford F-150 because the back seat is reserved for daddy’s Home Depot purchases. Pants are the North’s way of controlling you, dulling your senses by mitigating the feelings you feel in your glorious legs. I SAY NAY. Pants are restrictive, and turn members of society into sheep – all too insecure to bare their legs to their fellow sheep. Join my rebellion. We will not let the North convert us into a leg-covering, weak-willed hive mind.
Living in the South does not require pants. Our weather is as bat-shit crazy as we are, and I don’t want neither sweat nor rain gunking up my nice Cavender’s jeans. Like my boots, those cost a hard month’s work on the farm, and I will NOT have them get even a speck dirty because Mother Nature’s getting testy. We are not the concrete desolated wasteland that is the North, the sun will always hit us. In the North, pants are a necessity for them as to hide their legs that are so pasty they could pass for string cheese in the zombie apocalypse.
For those of you nerds claiming you need pants to stay warm in the winter, where is your grit? This cause and effect mentality of wearing clothes to match the weather is how capitalist America pulls a fast one on you. Are you just going to lie down and take that? All you need is a reliable hoodie and the cold is your bitch. You move your legs more than your arms when you’re walking anyways, you generate your own free heat. You seriously think you need an overpriced pair of Lululemon sweatpants to do that for you? The North wants you to think that, they are the hub of capitalism as well as fashion. Coincidence I think nuh-uh.
Now okay, I get it, you can’t wear your Daisy Dukes and Nike runners’ shorts all the time – there are some situations where pants are sadly a must. For example, your grandaddy doesn’t wanna see your legs no matter how much hell you’ve been giving the leg-press machine for the past few weeks– cover up when you’re in the presence of your boomers. Scenario Two: you are participating in a rodeo. You’re riding a bull or horse WITHOUT jeans and a belt buckle shiny enough to take out a whole flock of bald eagles? Take a hike, Yankee.
All of this to say, heed my call, Southerners. Take off your pants, and slip into some individualistic and freeing booty shorts.
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