You wake up in a small, hard (but somehow slightly less hard on one side) bed, in a room either wintry cold or scorching hot. You get ready for your day, using the shower with the exact mandated 5 PSI showerhead, brushing your teeth at the sink that won’t stop loudly dripping, no matter how you try to shut it off. After your learning hours, you find yourself famished. Unfortunately for you, the DCT is closed, keeping you from your well-earned supply of barely cooked tamari ‘chicken’ and fried rice. However, you are in luck! You remember that you have a safety net. Using your state-controlled Dooley Dollars, you can obtain significantly more edible sandwiches.
As you walk to the emporium, a shiver slithers down your spine. Something is off. This isn’t right; this is NOT what you remember. Scan-to-enter gate, sharp-cornered black shelves, cameras and scanners capturing every square inch of the room. “O-one buffalo chicken sandwich p-please,” you skittishly ask. “Buffalo?” the employee confusedly responds, rifling through their binder of recipes and offerings. Your heart sinks as they reach the last page. “Yeah, uh, we don’t…make that here. Do you want the Spicy Cuban instead?”
This is not a weird fanfiction about a dystopian future. This is Emory University’s new Eagle Emporium. While we wait for Emory’s 200th anniversary, the administration has made it abundantly clear that we cannot get to 2036 without passing through 1984.
This is your fault. All of your faults. You all just had to steal a few more Celsius packets during midterms and finals season. Well, unlike Icarus, there might be a way we can fly lower and not get burned. Guys, they literally have napkins. And condiment packets. If you want to be a kleptomaniac, take those! You can get one of the DCT dog bowls and just take all of the bagels. Every last one of them. Go do it right now. Go. I’ll wait. See how that made you feel. On top of that, you have breakfast for the next few days. You are allowed to take those and nothing will happen to us, instead of ruining the last bastion of lukewarm sandwiches.
If we all work together, we can get OUR Eagle Emporium back. We have to be the Emmet to Emory’s Lord Business, or the Ted to their O’Hare. Didn’t any of you watch The Lego Movie or The Lorax? Post your Letterboxd in the comments. Did you know we have comments? I didn’t. No clue where those go. Regardless, just work with me – with us. I promise that we can fix this. And I promise as soon as I graduate and walk across the stage, you can go right back to stealing. Thank you for your time.
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