No Body, No Crime (Fenves Version)

After months of borderline stalking, we at Emory Spoke finally convinced Gary Fenves to sit down with us to answer the questions that have been in every Emory students’ hearts and minds. He believed we were planning on asking him about his infamous 2036 plan, we had a much darker accusation to make. He had no idea that we had connected the dots, and we knew exactly what he did that rainy night in Los Angeles. 

Emory Spoke: Hello Gary, thank you for sitting down with us today. 

Gary Fenves: It’s Greg, but thank you for having me. 

ES: No, it’s not. Anyways, let’s dive in and slaughter the elephant in the room. Where were you on June 12, 1994? 

GF: Excuse me?

ES: Damnit Gary, stop playing around. Where were you on June 12, 1994?

At this point in the interview, a spotlight shined on Gary’s face. Visible beads of sweat appear on his face. 

GF: I was in California, teaching at UC Berkeley. Why? 

ES: Hmm, did you spend much time in Los Angeles? Did you have any celebrity connections?

GF: Why are you asking me this?

ES: Gary! Don’t lie to me, damnit! Did you think there needed to be one more lost angel? 

GF: Please calm down, you’re scaring me. 

ES: You did it, didn’t you? You killed her and blamed it on the best running back to ever come out of Buffalo, New York! You knew your tiny, cuckold gloves wouldn’t fit his big, strong hands. 

Gary looks around. He notices security guards blocking each door. 

GF: You set me up! You didn’t want to hear about the 2036 plan at all!

ES: Of course not, Gary! No one gives a shit about that. Admit it! You killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman! 

GF: I’ll never tell you! 

Gary jumps up from his chair and goes headfirst out of the room’s window into the crowd of police officers and reporters gathered outside. He disappeared off into the night like Frodo running with the One Ring. 

 

Gary Fenves is a structural engineer, professor, and college administrator who is the twenty-first president of Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. Little known fact he was also the ghostwriter for OJ Simpson’s best seller, “If I Did It.”