Last Tuesday, after eight years planning and billions dollars of research, Emory’s Food Services team finally launched their most ambitious project to date: the Eagle Convenience store. With such a radical change to everyday life occurring, it’s only natural that the store’s launch would be greeted with mixed reactions from Emory’s Student Body. Randy Dickson, the Spoke’s Gas Station and Convenience Store Correspondent, brings us this exclusive set of interviews with Eagle Convenience customers.
Of the students interviewed, the one who was by far the most satisfied with the store’s selection was Nate Barsh, a freshman from California. Observed walking aimlessly throughout the store, fascinated, Nate was heard on no less than three occasions exclaiming “woh, man, what, haha.” When the cashier asked him for money, Nate, clearly enthralled with the store’s selection, stared blankly at the counter for fifteen seconds before breaking down into laughter. After a laborious if successful purchase, the sunglasses-at-8PM-wearing Nate described the Eagle Convenience experience as satisfying his “serious need to munch” and that he was ready to “totally murder like three subs,” which he believed would be “totally dank.” Following his statement, Nate exited the store carrying a frozen burrito, three bags of barbecue chips, and two tubs of Nutella.
Some, however, were not as pleased with the store’s selection. Emory University president James Wagner entered the store late Tuesday night, clearly exasperated. Wagner, throwing a wad of $100 bills on the counter, demanded of the cashier “a pound of caviar and a bottle of your best Chardonnay,” explaining that he was “in some deep shit with the wife” and was in danger of “not getting pussy for months.” When the cashier informed him that the store didn’t sell luxury goods, Wagner rolled his eyes and walked out, muttering about a “store for broke-ass bitches” and his plans to “find a place with some fucking class.”
Wagner was not the only disappointed patron. Sigma Chi social chair and four-time Campus Cutie winner Pete Dandler asked the cashier for “three blunt wraps, two forties, and ten Magnum condoms” stating that it was going to be “one hell of a fucking Tuesday.” When the cashier told Dandler that Eagle Convenience didn’t stock condoms, Dandler, unfazed, replied, “just give me some Plan B, basically the same shit.” Finding out the store didn’t carry alcohol, tobacco, or any form of contraception, Dandler fumed that the store was “so fucking turnt down” and that everyone who worked there was a “real cock-sucker” before storming out.
The final visitor interviewed turned out not to be a shopper at all. As the store closed, an individual in a baggy hooded sweatshirt walked in. When asked what food in the store’s selection he thought looked most interesting, the man responded in hushed tones that “he was not here for snacks, but for duty” before tearing off his sweatshirt to reveal a CVS apron and screaming “there can only be one” before lunging at the cashier. Thankfully, like all Emory Food Services employees, Eagle Convenience cashiers are ex-Special Forces, so this was diffused without incident.
Despite the angry reaction of the University’s president and an ongoing turf war with CVS, the store seems to be doing well. The Eagle Convenience store is sure to be a place where Emory students can come to buy snacks, have a late-night sub, and practice shoplifting before moving on to the convenience stores of the real world.
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