Earlier today, the Emory University Department of Student Health published their rigorously conducted results on the effects of recreational cannabis use. The long-sought research was obtained through the case study of college sophomore Mike Ballas.
The Student Health Department received a research grant from the Reagan Estate’s Kush is the Devil Foundation.
Spoke reporters poured over the Department of Student Health’s results, and have assembled a summary of the peer-reviewed, 37-page paper below.
Once a gleaming paragon of high school success, Mike had graduated in the top seventeen percent of his class, excelled in track and field, and played both the French horn and the harmonica, at times simultaneously. Mike had planned to double-major in Biology and Finance, tentatively to become “the world’s first hedge fund surgeon,” and had enrolled in a rigorous 17 credit hours. Experts recorded Mike’s behavior in the beginning of the year, noting his frequent gym sessions as well as the long hours he spent reviewing his class notes at the library.
On September 28th at 3:42 in the morning, however, researchers noted that Mike first tried “a marijuana.” Shortly thereafter, Mike was observed laughing at himself in the mirror, stealing from the vending machine with the ferocity of a homeless man, and reflecting on the quality of the marijuana, stating that it was both “dank” and “sticky icky.” In the following four days, Mike managed to deplete his remaining 100.76 Dooley Dollars, forcing him to sell his body to enable his nightly crispy chicken binge at Zaya’s. He also changed his major to “maybe sociology, maybe classics” because he found the pre-med workload was not conducive to the raucous, hazy nights of Super Smash Bros and South Park to which he had become accustomed.
Mike’s social life saw a change as well. Over the two-month-long study, the subject’s social circle shifted from those on his freshman dorm floor and members of student organizations, to solely those who happened to be at the stairs behind Dobbs on any given night. Furthermore, Mike’s roommate distanced himself from Mike after becoming frustrated with his excessive use of lemon-scented lysol spray, which Mike reportedly wore like “it was fucking Chanel.”
Using this data, the researchers predicted that, by the end of the semester, Mike would undoubtedly “discover” or “finally get” either Chance the Rapper or Animal Collective. These impressive findings came shortly after Student Health’s most recent success, which completely eliminated all tobacco smoking on campus last week with a single email.
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