Ask Dooley: Help! My roommate keeps summoning Mephistopheles

Dear Dooley,

I’ve been living with my roommate, “Kendra,” since freshman year. I guess I always knew she had a witchy side. It started small— at first she was just buying scented candles and getting her septum pierced, but now I fear she’s gone too far; I’m afraid her immortal soul is in danger! At all hours of the day, she’s in our room, hovering several inches above her bed, spilling animal blood on the ground, or speaking in tongues to summon Mephistopheles. 

I know I’m not a perfect roommate either; I wear shoes inside sometimes even though I know it bugs her. But now Kendra’s Godlessness has gone too far. Our thermostat is permanently set to 90 degrees so her “precious Prince may feel the flames of the netherworld lick his skin even in this mortal realm” and after her latest blood sacrifice, I can’t find my hamster. She’s just become an entirely different person. It’s just like last year when she dated a film major and suddenly loooved Wes Anderson.

And maybe I’m being a little paranoid here, but I don’t think Mephistopheles likes me very much either. The first time we met, he just kept making these weird catty comments about, like, wanting to eat my spleen and drink my blood. I hear the two of them cackling together all the time now and I can’t help but feel like they’re talking about me. And yeah, all of this stuff bothers me, but really I just want my friend back. Any tips on saving her soul?

-Tired of Smelling Sulfur

 

Dear Tired,

I’m going to level with you here, writer: your friend’s soul is kaput. Not even the most merciful of beings could forgive her vile transgressions and she will most certainly have to withstand atrocious punishments when she is finally ripped from this earth. 

But that doesn’t mean you can’t make this living arrangement work for you! Having a friend who summons demons is like having a friend with a Netflix subscription— play your cards right, and you can get all of the benefits with none of the sacrifice— literally. It seems to me like your roommate is simply waiting for you to show interest in what she’s interested in. Try saying something like: “Kendra, I’ve noticed that you’ve been summoning the Beast of Darkness a lot recently. What’s your favorite part about trading the purity of your soul for worldly pleasures?” You don’t have to care about demon possession to care about Kendra. 

I think this also opens the door for you to make this habit of hers benefit you as well. Is your roommate only summoning Mephistopheles? Do some research on the other demons of the netherworld and find one you think you could handle. Maybe Amdusias is more your speed, the unicorn-headed demon who plays the cacophonous music of hell. Free rock concert! Or Gusion, who can see the past, present, and future. No more pop quizzes! 

Yes, your roommate is an agent of the Devil now, but try to reframe your thinking about it. This may actually be the ideal situation because you can get all the benefits of summoning demons but everyone knows bystanders don’t count sin-wise, so no worries about facing the consequences of your actions there. Best of Luck!

-Dooley

 

Want to get advice from Ask Dooley? It’s simple! Come to the Dooley statue and whisper your deepest fear into my ear, plant a tiny smooch on my skeletal feet, and slip your query into my top hat.