The first few weeks of the new school year have quickly come and gone, and students living on campus have finally settled into their new dorms. The alcohol is sitting in the Emory-approved Microfridge, the whiteboard that hangs on that one overly-enthusiastic girl’s room is already covered with penises, and hallmates are starting to build connections with each other.
At the same time, many students have questions about their new environment. Primarily, who is leaving all this hair in the drain all the goddamn time? The Spoke launched an investigation into this pressing question. We started by looking at the hair in the drain (and the tubs, and the sinks, and the toilets somehow). Darker than anything we’ve ever seen and a length that implies its never been cut. After a long, grueling search, we finally got an answer.
We know it’s impossible to have met everyone on the hall already, so we’ll take this time to introduce you. Reader, meet your new hallmate, it’s the girl from The Ring. She crawled out of the TV static directly into our beloved Top 21 university; now she sheds her eerily long hair directly into every single drain in the entire dorm.
The girl from The Ring has also been the one promoting that weird and horribly made video tape, we guess it’s like one of her film projects maybe? Whatever, just don’t watch it, it sucks. But if you see her, please don’t call her “The Girl From The Ring” we know we said that three times now, but she gets touchy about that. Maybe just call her “Samara” (that’s her real name, we Googled it).
Once again, and we can’t emphasize this enough, don’t watch that video tape. She’ll start calling you non-stop about it. We watched it a week ago and -hm, our TV just started playing static that’s weird, anyway- she called saying something about “seven days,” that might be the film’s title we aren’t really sure-ok now she’s crawling out of the TV and she seems pissed, definitely don’t watch that video tape, that’s obviously why she’s here. This sucks.
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