Local finance major convinced summer internship outweighs any ‘global pandemic’

Among the many feeling personally wronged by the coronavirus outbreak/subsequent shelter-in-place is rising junior and finance major Jonah Kliffstein, who is outraged over the cancellation of his summer internship. “This is absolute bullshit. People are acting like goddamn sheep laying back and accepting this.” Kliffstein largely agrees with President Trump and feels that this possible overstatement of the virus has cost him a valuable internship. “I’ve spent hours networking with my father to get this job, all for nothing.” Kliffstein was allegedly to be Junior Corporate Summer Data Systems Management Analyst. “I’d be doing incredibly important work for this company.” When asked to describe his responsibilities, Kliffstein embarked on a verbal tirade of corporate lingo: “engaging in data corporate striatum-based global marketing digital networking while simultaneously embarking on synergistic operitationary prime trading block analysis….” Cutting through said jargon it was determined that responsibilities largely included looking at excel spreadsheets and performing basic mathematics.

Kliffstein’s grievances with sheltering in place are (allegedly) not limited to what directly impacts himself. “This will destroy small businesses and low-income workers,” says Kliffstein, who, prior to this quarantine has displayed little to no concern with small businesses/any individual making under $250,000 a year, and cherishes his sweatshirt which reads “stop being poor” across the front. Kliffstein additionally cited the potential encroachment on our 1st Amendment rights from this quarantine. “They’re violating our civil liberties keeping us inside. It’s like we’re in prison,” he says from his $7,000,000 home in Stone Harbor, New Jersey. “I’m healthy anyways. It’s not as if I’d be in danger,” Kliffstein remarks between juul hits and bong rips.

When asked to justify these beliefs, Kliffstein stared, confused, before simply saying “I’m a finance major, that makes me smarter than you,” before leaving to see if his coke dealer offers curbside delivery.