Have those pushy “air quality alerts” on the weather app been getting you down? Feeling sad that the warm September weather is preventing you from living your Christian girl autumn fantasy and wearing your favorite infinity scarf? Are you tired of seeing that little angry Swedish girl all over the news?
Well, Emory students are in luck, because yet another corporation that accounts for a huge amount of global fossil fuel emissions has decided to respond with – you guessed it – a PRODUCT! Kaldi’s new Pumpkin Spice Sunscreen™ is making its debut on campus this fall, helping students protect their skin from rising temperatures while preserving the spirit of that Taylor Swift Folklore, chapped-lip culture we all love about the autumn months.
Sources reveal that the inspiration behind this product launch is an administrative push for school spirit and student “flourishing.” In a backdoor meeting, university leaders such as Greg Fenves expressed hopes that overpriced sunscreen will encourage students to “get the fuck out of Libs.”
Surprisingly, this university initiative seems to have actually achieved its intended goal. One student chosen to test out the early prototype recounted, “Now I can sit on the quad while developing a parasocial obsession with sororities’ Fall Rush IG Reels – without having to worry about getting a farmer’s tan!”
“This exclusive product has single-handedly cured my early-onset seasonal depression,” Philosophy major Carl Marks [25C] revealed in a recent interview. As former CAPS user Hugh Jaynus [26C] wrote in a new university feedback form, “Who needs therapy when I have Kaldi’s Pumpkin Spice Sunscreen™?”
While the administration may be supporting the destruction of an entire forest in Southeast Atlanta, with this new product, students can be assured that the university is doing everything they can to combat global warming.
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