Joe Biden Appears at McDonough Field, Claims to Be Uncle Kracker

Emory students have been waiting with bated breath for zero-time Grammy winner Uncle Kracker’s performance at Homecoming this year, so much so that a large crowd of twenty-three students have been camped on the field for weeks to get the best seats for the concert. However, a week before the concert was even scheduled, smoke machines suddenly started up. As the smoke lifted from the stage on McDonough Field the students were astonished to find a man who looked almost exactly like former Vice President Joe Biden standing on stage instead. Looking somewhat bewildered, the man introduced himself as Uncle Kracker. One of the students on the field at the time, Matt Schafer, reached out to the Spoke to comment:

“Yeah so I didn’t actually know what Uncle Kracker was supposed to look like so at first I didn’t really question it,” Schafer said with a shrug. It was later, as the man began to talk about how healthcare is for “people afraid to age with grace” and that he “will take America back to a time when racial tensions were more black and white and less some-color-in-the-middle,” that students realized they might actually be in the presence of Obama’s former sidekick. What really tipped people off was when Uncle Kracker’s song “Smile” began to play and the man climbed down, approached junior Aggie Tate and told her she should smile more often. Aggie Tate declined to comment to the Spoke, also declining any hugs, back rubs, or sniffs.

While Biden was returned to his handlers – who were heard muttering about unionizing – the true Uncle Kracker’s whereabouts are still unknown. One of the Spoke’s sources reported hearing muffled screams coming from one of the Secret Service vehicles, yet multiple Spoke investigators sent to corroborate the story were found in Lullwater creek with severe amnesia.

Biden’s actions have caused a row among other Democratic hopefuls, who are worried that the commotion is, in fact, a publicity stunt crafted by the Biden campaign. Other candidates have jumped on the bandwagon, notably Senator Kamala Harris has already visited fourteen different universities to sing Nickelback’s entire repertoire. Meanwhile, Beto O’Rourke can reportedly sing an entire verse of “Despacito,” yet critics were quick to note that it is almost certainly the Justin Bieber one.