We’ve all been there. You’re at a frat party — let’s say it’s Sig Chi — when you see a guy in a plaid button-down checking you out. It’s pretty close to closing time and all his friends have coupled off with first-years, but he wants you. He saw your twine friendship bracelets and knew that you too believe backpacking in a developing country is the best way to culture yourself. He’s wearing a bandanna, so he definitely hikes or something. He probably wears hipster glasses but took them off for the party.
So you make your move. You smile back, holding eye contact as you move past the couples in between you to meet in the middle. You dance, make out a bit — everything is going well. He tells you he’s from Wisconsin, which you shrug off. That could mean a lot of things. He asks you to go back to his place. And that’s when you see it: his entire side of the room is covered in a MAGA tapestry so big you’re impressed he managed to get it level.
How did you fall so far? This possibility never even crossed your mind; you just thought he was a hipster who got his style watching Portlandia. The truth is, characters such as these require additional screening. To avoid hook-ups that make you question what your values are, we recommend making some spicy pop-culture comments while still in the public setting, such as “Cardi B’s music is so pro-capitalist” or “Lil Nas X truly transformed the country industry for the better while contributing to a racial and queer upheaval, don’t you agree?” All totally normal party banter. This method is truly fool proof, because not only will it turn off your local NRA advocate, any guy who knows about micro brews will take this chance to start mansplaining until you want to leave him anyway.
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