After being “forced” to watch The Bachelor season 22 dramatic 3-hour finale, Chase Coleman reports being inspired by one of the reality television show’s popular date method: the group date.
Coleman explains his methods simply, “I’ve had many, many one-night stands with girls on Bumble. Sometimes they beg for something more than just a good bam-bam in the ham. I don’t have time or persistence to take ALL of them out on dates. I am just one man. So, I took a move out of Chris Harrison’s playbook.”
Coleman reports receiving confirmation from seven girls who will attend his “hella tender rendezvous” in Lullwater Park. Inside sources inform that Coleman invited twenty-eight women.
Coleman lays down a picnic “blanket” composed of four towels he stole from a random freshman dorm laundry room. Next to it, he sets down his basket full of beer, skittles, and daffodils. Coleman expresses that he brought the daffodils because, “Bitches love flowers. Also, how else will they know who is lucky enough to advance to the next round?” Coleman explains, referring to a staple of The Bachelor tradition: the rose ceremony.
Five of the seven women show up. As the fifth girl arrives, she sees the layout and immediately sprints away with her Tory Burch flip-flops barely surviving. Our reporters catch up to her once she reaches a safe distance from Lullwater Park, jogging alongside her with notebook and pen in hand.
The girl, who would like to remain anonymous, states that she quickly drew two conclusions from the situation she witnessed, both of which she didn’t want to get involved in: he either set up a Bachelor-style group date, or only has female friends. Upon inquiry, she further explains her worry with the latter saying, “If he says he gets along better with girls, he’s basically saying he’s full of so much bullshit that guys won’t put up with him. And the girls only will deal with that so that they can be friends with a dude without trying to get dick.”
The girl concluded by saying that she would rather be in the CDC because it would be easier to contract a disease from him than anywhere in that building.
Back in Lullwater, Coleman decides the 15-minute date was long enough to understand the true essence and being of each girl. Coleman explained that he had only met one of them before. “The others,” he continued, “I knew were easy… to connect with… By that, I mean they were definitely ready to bang.” He knew who he felt strongly about. He knew which of the girls would advance to the next round.
Coleman stands up, motions for the girls to follow, and says, “Ladies, I understand you are all so privileged to be standing here before me now. Sadly, for one of you, this time has come to an end.”
As he reaches for the first daffodil, one girl interrupts Coleman: “Chase, before this continues, I need you to know that I can’t accept your daffodil,” Stacy Williams admits.
Coleman gasps, followed by a soft voice crack as he asked, “Amanda, why?”
Stacy rolls her eyes and explains, “I only came because I was pissed that you lied to me. You said in your bio that you had a ‘big… heart.’ Honestly I’d be more likely to laugh at your dick than that joke. That’s the little reason I never replied to any of your dozens of ‘u up’ texts.”
Stacy smirks as she walks away, followed by some of the other girls, as they didn’t know that was part of his package. One girl, Bethany Hamise, remained, and Coleman hesitantly asks her, “Will you accept these daffodils?”
To which the girl passionately replied, “Yeah, fine. I’m desperate.”
At press time, sources report the happy duo having uneventful sex in the Lullwater tower, where the waterfall’s crashing covered Bethany’s unimpressed sighs.
Be First to Comment