32-year-old Brian Storm got himself in hot water this week when he wrote off several false expenses on his taxes. A full-time improv actor at Atlanta’s On Da Spot Theatre, Mr. Storm refused to pay taxes on nearly three thousand beers and two Swarovski-covered tuxedos. According to Mr. Storm, the alcohol was a necessary job expense, as he is ‘funnier when he’s drunk’, and the tuxedo was an essential costume for his latest character, France McMansion.
When summoned into court, Mr. Storm declined a lawyer and turned away from the judge the entire time, insisting that he needed to face ‘down stage’. Asked if he plead guilty to the present charges, Mr. Storm replied that not only was he guilty, but he had hit two pedestrians with his car that very morning. The following exchange is detailed below.
Judge: Mr. Storm, do you understand what you are saying?
Storm: I understand perfectly, your honor.
*Storm winks to the Judge*
Judge: Mr Storm, I have asked you to stop winking at me. Are you admitting to killing two pedestrians with your car today?
Storm: That’s right. I killed them. I ran over their bodies and I felt nothing. In fact, I’d do it again right now.
*Storm waves his hands and blows air out of his mouth*
Judge: Mr. Storm, are you miming smoking a cigarette?
*Storm blows air out of his mouth again. He then pretends to stomp out ashes*
Judge: These are serious crimes you are admitting to.
Storm: Not as serious as my love for you, Candace.
Judge: My name is Judith.
Storm: Let’s just get out of this bar, baby. Let’s drive and never look back.
Judge: Mr. Storm, you are in court.
After a brief recess to investigate the new crimes, it was discovered that two joggers had indeed been hit by a car near the courthouse that morning. Later, one of the spectators noted that the detail ‘really sold his performance’. When asked if he had any final statements for the court, Mr. Storm requested ‘an animal and mode of transportation from the audience’. He was denied both requests.
Deliberation took less than a minute, as every member of the Jury reported ‘no need to leave the room to discuss as this man was clearly guilty’. He was sentenced to life in prison, mostly for manslaughter, but also for an ‘extreme lack of remorse and evasion of reality that makes him a serious danger to society’. This statement was further corroborated when Mr. Storm took a bow and critiqued the Judge for asking ‘too many questions’ and ‘not adding new information’. As he was led out in handcuffs, Mr. Storm quickly plugged his Instagram and the On Da Spot Theatre, the latter of which is now being investigated for offering back alley lobotomies.
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