We’ve all been there. You have that one friend who just seems to remember the Alamo a little too much. They only wear Buc-ee’s shirts and somehow have a cowboy hat for every situation. You know not to mess with them, but sometimes those Texans are just absolutely nuts. Think about the craziest people you know. Notice how they’re all from Texas? The Spoke has prepared a guide on how you can send your friend back to the Lone Star State so that they can be with their own kind.
Note: We’re not dumb. We know the real nutcases are from Florida. However, we’re not counting them because those people are an entirely different type of strange. For this guide to work, the person needs to have a semblance of mental soundness, however deep down it may be. Sorry, Florida, but y’all left your marbles in the tank at SeaWorld.
1. Subtly bring up barbecue.
Every Texan loves barbecue and can talk about it for hours on end. Just like Arby’s, Texas has the meats. You can subtly bring it up during the forty-five minutes when you are chewing on the DCT brisket. In between bites, your Texan will realize just how difficult it has been for them to function without gnawing down on giant hunks of meat for the last few weeks. They will begin to daydream about their love for meat and suddenly notice how much they yearn for the meats of Texas.
2. Complain about having an established power grid.
Your Texan will get visibly upset when you complain about the Georgia power grid because they are known for their robust system in the Lone Star State. How can you complain when the heating systems actually work in Georgia? Somehow, your Texan will become homesick at the thought of their state’s dilapidated and decrepit infrastructure. Just like an interdisciplinary studies major thinking they will get a job post-grad, it makes no sense. Back home, whenever it gets too cold, your Texan can always hop on a quick flight to Cancún with their family. They will remember those lovely memories with Uncle Ted and miss that quality family time.
3. Mention how small everything is.
A 64 oz. soft drink, too small. 8 lanes on the highway, not nearly enough. A truck that only fits 8 people, laughably miniscule. There’s a reason they say everything is bigger in Texas and your Texan will relate. Everything here in Georgia (including the men) is simply too small for them and that may send them over the edge. They will dream of going back to Texas and enjoying all of the gigantic things that it has to offer.
4. Hint at their love of oil drilling.
As much as they will try to deny it, oil drilling is in their blood. They say blood is thicker than water, but oil is way thicker than blood. Your Texan grew up drilling oil every day after school but has not seen a single rig since they’ve been in Atlanta. The separation anxiety from the drill site has been killing them; a subtle borehole reference might just be enough to get those Texan bores to go back to their black holes (that’s what they call it when they swim in the oil).
5. If all else fails, slowly convince them to graduate early.
Worst case scenario, your Texan just refuses to leave. The last resort is to convince them to take an extra class each semester so that they will eventually graduate early and return home to their native land. This subtle manipulation is proven to work and has a 100% success rate. Not only is this cost-effective for them, but you will finally achieve peace with your Texan gone forever.
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