You waited all day for this moment. You sat through your psych lecture and each time a gurgling noise emanated from your stomach, you spun around in your chair, pretending to look for the culprit. No one had any idea it was you—not even the cute guy in the seat behind you who kept pointing and laughing. And when you waddled to the closest possible bathroom, barely able to hold it any longer, you sniffed innocently at the smells you released. You even made a point to shrug and share a super cool, nonchalant look with the people walking next to you. Now here you are, seated in your favorite stall in the library bathroom, toilet paper seat-cover carefully assembled for your comfort and enjoyment. But right before you can go about your business, you realize you have company. Someone is in the stall next to you, and the alarm bells start to sound.
If you want to maintain your swag in this compromising situation, you have a few options for how to proceed.
Hold that shit in (literally)
You’ve waited so long to be sitting on this throne, it’s not going to kill you to wait a few more minutes. Take a deep breath, and get ready to wait it out. There’s no way the person in the stall next to you is also about to shit in the second floor Woodruff Library restroom. Who would do that? That’s disgusting and embarrassing!
…Okay, so they aren’t leaving. Odds are, they’re familiar with the rules of maintaining swag while shitting next to someone, and they are also trying to hold that shit in. But the situation is dire, and waiting it out is no longer an option. It’s time to consider next steps.
Create a diversion!
If they can’t hear you, then they have no real way of confirming what you’re doing in there. Think of your favorite song (if you’re stuck, you can never go wrong with Pocketful of Sunshine) and sing it as loud as you can. If you’re lucky, your stall-mate might even join in.
In the case that you have a terrible voice, do everyone a favor and skip the singing step. Instead, try screaming and banging on the stall walls. This serves multiple purposes. Firstly, it will be highly distressing for your stall-mate, and may cause them to quickly evacuate the bathroom. If they are not phased, however, this will at least create enough noise that the sound of your bowel movement should be sufficiently masked.
Finally, if all else fails, try to flush the toilet as you go. The danger with this option is that you will most certainly be in the splash zone. This is not for the faint of heart, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Talk through it!
Maybe creating a diversion didn’t work out. Alright, shake it off. It might be time to reach out and talk it through with your neighbor. Ask how their day is going! Discuss local politics! Thoughts on inflation? No topic is off-limits. You will walk out of the bathroom with a newfound confidence and maybe even a new friend.
Acceptance
If your stall-mate is not interested in forging a friendship (their loss), it’s time for the final stage: Acceptance. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. You don’t need to feel shame for what you are about to do. Lean into it. Be loud, be proud. Go Eagles!
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