So, you’ve found yourself with a harrowing stream of Snapchat memories and “wanted” posters of your parents in Mags? No fun! Even though you’re down $150 for Uber clean-up and the price of the two tequila sodas that got your mom there, you can still bounce back if you follow the Spoke’s astute advice on how to cope with what happened over Family Weekend while also maintaining your crystal-clear reputation.
- If you find yourself watching a video BarstoolSports posted of your dad downing lemon drop shots with the SAE president, no fear. Repost it on your story! Nothing screams confidence like a descendant proud of their genetic predisposition to alcoholism.
- When that guy from your Sociology class comes up to you in the DCT calling your mother a MILF, just smile and nod. I mean hey, 50% of those MILF genes went straight to you. He might as well be calling you hot.
- Make sure to deny-deny-deny. Your mother would NEVER grind on a nineteen-year-old college student. She’s a bar certified divorce attorney who spent all of 2022 updating your house to a mid-century modern design. You think a woman that classy would be found skeezing on some kid on the dance floor of a dive bar next to a dilapidated Chopt? Be real.
- When the video surfaces of your mom backing it up on a 5’9’’ ZBT sophomore, say that she’s suffering from memory loss due to a minor concussion she got from Soul Cycle. It’s just believable enough to get people off your back. She just thought it was her long-lost high school sweetheart! How dare they make fun of that.
- If friends start reaching out about the jobs that your dad said he could “definitely get them because his buddy from college is big there”, it’s time to gaslight. Why would you even want to work at that company? I heard they are invested in fracking. Do you support fracking? Didn’t think so…
Good luck out there soldier!
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