I Hope You Have All Prepared For This Test vs. I Hope You Have All Prepared For My Preparedness, Motherf*ckers

Point / Counterpoint

I Hope You Have All Prepared For This Test, Students. 

Good morning everyone, in the next couple minutes my TAs and I will be handing out the midterms, which I hope all of you have studied for. If you have showed up to all of the lectures you should find this exam straightforward, as all of the terms on this test were in class, as well as on the Powerpoints online. Since this class has had nearly perfect attendance, I am not too worried for you.

 I will say that there seem to be some new faces in this classroom, so if you are not in this classroom for “History 320: The ‘80s Revisited” you should leave now for you are not in the correct classroom. I repeat, this classroom is for “History 320: The‘80s Revisited”, and we are about to start an hour-long exam on the exciting decade of the 1380’s in the Ming Empire, with a focus on the Hongwu Emperor’s consolidation of power . Do not feel embarrassed to leave if this is not your class.

 Alright, please clear your desk of everything besides your pens and pencils, and you may begin when you receive your test.

I Hope You Have All Prepared For My Preparedness, Motherfuckers.

Yes, professor and fellow classmates, it is I, Martin Herzog! Didn’t expect me to show up did you, Professor Watson? Over the past month you have grown accustomed to my absence, my vacant chair fading into the scenery. Yet here I am, and I am more prepared for this exam than all of you dumb motherfuckers put together.

Indeed, I enrolled in this joke of a history class months ago to fulfill my writing GER, never showing up to a single class. Occasionally I would glance at the Blackboard site for a good laugh, but I’m not here for laughs, I’m here for business, because I’ve been cramming for this since midnight and I’m only on my second ounce of Adderall. I see the looks of surprise in your eyes, I see your disbelief that I can pass this exam without attending the classes – you neophytes. Study the eighties? I’ve poured over the manuscripts for each and every “Brat-Pack” flick. As a study break, I danced to “Whip It” by DEVO. I breathe the eighties, motherfuckers, so weep, plebeian lecture-goers, as I bubble in these multiple choice sections.

And you, Professor Watson, you pathetic husk of an academic, if you didn’t understand what you got yourself into when you let me register for this class, you will when you put my answers through the scantron. As for my vacuous classmates – this is going to be a massacre, so buckle up you little shits.