There I was, minding my own business, sitting on some concrete outside White Hall for three to seven minutes before entering my 1 p.m. at exactly 12:58. Then I saw him. Swaggering out of White Hall. Tall. At least 5’11’’ (an Emory 6’5’’). He oozed charisma, uniqueness, nerve, talent. He wore pants, shoes, and a shirt. Perhaps even an accessory, I couldn’t tell. I was too distracted by this face, which at first (and second) glance was the face of a deeply unattractive human. This guy was not hot. In fact, he was quite ugly. But the butterflies had already taken off, and I was head over heels for this unimpressive creature.
He followed me into my dreams (yes, that kind of dream) and haunted me when I woke. In class, I couldn’t even focus on the Spelling Bee, Wordle, Connections, Mini Crossword, and Strands. Only his asymmetrical features and unexceptional style occupied my thoughts.
I needed help.
I tried exposure therapy; I insta-stalked a bunch of hot guys and tried to conjure a spark, but it was no use. Glistening abs and beautiful bone structure was no match for my ugly man.
How could this be? Was I trapped in my own horrible taste? Up until now, I thought I had great taste. Had I entered a stage of spiritual enlightenment where I was able to transcend traditional beauty standards and rise above the oppressive regime of patriarchy and white supremacy that set such beauty standards in place? Surely not.
I tried going out to Veranda to drunkenly flirt with an eighteen-year-old from Georgia Tech, which has never failed to lift my spirits before. But when I looked down (far down, as he was much shorter than me) at this young, simple boy, I felt nothing.
Fear not, this story has a happy ending. Finally, one evening as I was taking my birth control pill, I noticed how far along in my cycle it was. I was in my luteal phase. Of course! No wonder I was so horny for some hideous specimen who happened to cross my path at the exact moment of my ovulation.
Finally, freedom. Now I can return to my perfectly normal life— wait a second. I think that guy might be pulling off that mustache…
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